


Albatross

by LittleLynn



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Get together fic, character exploration, introspective, post-show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:34:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29715168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLynn/pseuds/LittleLynn
Summary: “Don’t become me,” her other self said, startling Kathryn out of the datapad she was pouring over. They were in her - their? - ready room, surviving on coffee and combing over every speck of information they had on the transwarp hub. They had been working in silence for hours, and she hadn’t expected that to change.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 224
Kudos: 155





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking of writing some J/C forever and finally got around to it, initially I thought this was going to be a quick get it out of my system fic but it turns out there is a lot more in my system than I anticipated. 
> 
> I love Janeway, I love Chakotay, I love Seven, I do not love Chakotay and Seven being mashed together in the final episodes; ya feel me?
> 
> I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, we shall find out together. Fair warning that the rating may well change in later chapters.

For all the red alerts and adrenalin of Voyager, Kathryn had never fully appreciated just how quiet the ship was. Had been. They were home now, she needed to get used to that. The number of people on board had always hovered around one hundred and fifty, spread out over a ship that large, it never felt busy. 

Now, on the other hand, it felt like one hundred and fifty people were crammed into the same room. And it was a small room. For all that Starfleet was usually organised, everyone seemed to be talking at once - some questions, some exclamations, some simply outpourings of delight at their unexpected return - and she didn’t have time to answer any of the questions put to her before another one was asked, and someone else pulled her attention. 

Across the room she caught Chakotay’s eye without meaning to, as she often did, and he offered her a private smile that was difficult to translate into words, but she understood it all the same, and couldn’t help the way the corner of her mouth ticked up in response, his answering grin made his wordless understanding clear too. She had never been able to communicate with Mark so well, even curled up in bed together on treasured lazy mornings, his smiles had had a little mystery to them. 

His presence kept her grounded when everything else was threatening to sweep her away, and she suddenly felt able to rally, to keep up with everything being asked of her and battle her way through this initial meeting. It wasn’t the end, of course, approximately a month of - long - daily debriefings were scheduled in, covering everything from species encountered to decisions made, to personnel lost. 

She was thankful that it only took one single impassioned speech to put down the murmurings of her formerly maquis crew members needing to face trial. Chakotay’s face told her that she didn’t often show as much zeal. It hadn’t really been necessary, the officer that had raised their voice about it was an outlier, but the hug she was swept up in by familiar arms after she left told her it was appreciated. She extricated herself from the embrace as quickly as she could without Chakotay thinking anything was wrong. Chakotay noticed anyway.

He opened his mouth as if to speak, but he never got the chance, as the other former maquis onboard rushed over to thank her too, albeit more formally.

She spent a full week with Seven in a small council of Starfleet higher-ups as they grilled and questioned her. They meant no harm, there was no desire to hold her accountable for the things she had done as a drone, but they were intense nevertheless. Kathryn wasn’t needed in the meetings, not really, but she had always been ready to put herself between Seven and harm’s way, whether that was from a rifle shot or a thoughtless word, and that at least had not changed. 

“Thank you, captain. That would have been uncomfortable on my own and I know your time is valuable,” Seven would say - or some variation on it - after every day they spent in that council. Kathryn would smile and squeeze her hand and tell her it was what friends were for, and Seven’s tentative smile - still tentative, but so many more smiles than before - would reassure her that she had managed to get far more things right than she had wrong during their long journey. And then Chakotay would appear, and he and Seven would leave Starfleet HQ together for wherever they were staying, and Kathryn’s smile would stay plastered in place.

The two people she loved most in this world. She should be happy for them. She was. She  _ was _ . 

They threw a party for her, away from HQ, a fortnight after getting home. She insisted that it should be a celebration of the whole crew and her whole crew insisted that it was a celebration of her. 

“There have already been plenty of parties for Voyager,” Chakotay said, eyes scrunching in the corners, lines there that matched her own, belaying the shared stresses of having a stranded crew. “ _ We _ want to throw one for  _ you _ . You got us home Kathryn, you deserve it.”

“But I couldn’t have done it without you,” she objected, moving to immediately temper the sentiment away from what she had meant. “Any of you, I mean. Everyone on board was integral to making it.”

She didn’t feel comfortable being the centre of attention, but the truth was she didn’t want the party because she knew it would feel like a goodbye. She used to be good at saying goodbye to crews and commands. But this time was different. She used to be more well adjusted, but seven years had their toll.

“Maybe. But no one else travelled back in time and sacrificed themselves to get us all home faster, to keep alive as many of us as possible,” Chakotay replied, voice soft. It had been the most surprising thing about him, when they had met. Starfleet had told her about a hardened maquis officer, not the gentlest soul she would ever meet. 

“I didn’t do that,” Kathryn replied, uncomfortable to be given the credit for actions that by rights were not hers. A large hand fell on her shoulder and squeezed, a comforting weight, and she was glad when he didn’t remove it. 

“But you would have, and we want to honour that, to honour her and you. Let us?” Chakotay asked. His thumb was rubbing comfortingly against her shoulder as he watched her.

“Alright,” she said, with a smile as she slipped away from his touch. 

\---------

There was a picture of her - of Admiral Janeway - up on the wall. A little blurry and hastily snapped, but she was smiling at whoever was taking the picture as she stood between Chakotay and Tuvok at Operations. She looked relaxed, happy, but Kathryn could read her as easily as looking in the mirror, and she saw the tension in the hand that gripped Tuvok’s sleeve, and the regret in the way she was leaning  _ just so _ towards her first officer.

Kathryn hadn’t been there when it was taken, and it was almost jarring to see. WIth her, the admiral had always been harsh, arrogant, stubborn and pushy and critical. The admiral had been hard on her like she had been hard on herself since the day she decided to save the Ocampa. 

She had sat as gracefully as she could through the speeches at dinner - it was just the crew, just the family, no one else had been invited to this one - as they toasted her as if she was already the admiral. They still called her captain, and not for the first time, she found herself wanting them to call her by name instead, and now there was really nothing stopping them. But she struggled to say it all the same, seven years of being the captain, of keeping herself carefully, almost imperceptibly, separate for the sake of their survival wasn’t easy to shake on either end. 

But the speeches to her and her alternate self were easier to endure than what came next, as one by one her crew stood up teary eyed and announced what they planned to do next. Some weren’t surprising; Tom and B’Elanna’s plan to take some extended parental leave, Tuvok’s desire to return to Vulcan for a time, Harren was going into academia after his accidental seven years away. 

Some were surprising. Harry was taking leave from Starfleet - temporary, he claimed and she believed - to explore the world he was so keen to get back to, The Doctor was planning to start a movement for holographic rights (which while not entirely surprising, she had not expected to be the first thing on his agenda, and crewman Vole was going to visit his mother after seven years of telling everyone with an ear how dreadful she was. 

“What about you commander, any plans to whisk Seven away to sunnier climes?” Tom asked with his usual grin, his daughter was cradled in his arm and how natural a father he was made Kathryn warm, even if his words did not. 

“We’ve been so busy, I hadn’t thought about it overmuch,” he replied with an easy smile, his arm draped casually on the back of Seven’s chair. Her back was ramrod straight, but that was just Seven, and she seemed remarkably at ease all things considered. “What do you say Seven, would you like to?”

“What would we do there?” Seven asked, her need to have an objective still strong. 

“Relax and enjoy the sights?” Chakotay suggested, and a frown line appeared between Seven’s eyebrows that Kathryn was inordinately fond of. It reminded her of the time she had suggested Seven try tea, even though it had no real purpose beyond a pleasant taste. The Seven and coffee experiment hadn’t ended well. 

“Perhaps for a short time?” Seven suggested, Kathryn could read the compromise, could tell that Seven would rather stay here where she felt useful and wasn’t entirely comfortable with the implications that came along with visiting Chakotay’s home. Chakotay didn’t seem to notice her hesitance, and smiled widely at her. 

“For however long or short a time you like,” he agreed and Seven nodded her head once, no unnecessary movement added to the gesture. 

“And you captain?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, we know what everyone but you plans to do, but I think everyone here will want to know where we can find out captain, if we need her,” Tom asked, that easy friendliness and simple acknowledgement of family that had become so natural to him in the last few years shining through. 

“I thought I’d go back to Indiana, visit my sister and the farm,” she replied. It was mostly true, she had already planned the visit, her sister too pregnant to make the journey to Starfleet HQ to welcome them home. But she didn’t plan to stay long, long enough to meet the baby when it arrived, to visit her mother’s grave, and see the few animals that might remember her, and then it would be back to Starfleet for her. 

“Sounds nice. Sounds peaceful, after seven years of chaos,” Harry answered, standing with his champagne flute and making a toast to peace, natural oxygen and gravity that had everyone laughing. 

After the dinner things became less formal, and Seven’s hand looked small in Chakotay’s, Kathryn watched as Seven willed herself to let her shoulder relax. She was in unmapped territory, but she was happy, and Chakotay’s smile was as easy as ever. Without meaning to, she found herself sitting with Icheb and enjoying his easy company. 

“Are you alright captain?” He asked, she was staring into the middle distance, in the general direction of the picture of the admiral, and shook herself out of it when he spoke. 

“You know, you really don't have to call me that anymore,” she replied, glad of his company. Icheb frowned, and turned a thoughtful expression on her. 

“It is a mark of respect. And I - well, perhaps it does not matter, if you are going to Indiana.”

“I won’t be in Indiana forever Icheb, what is it?” She encouraged. In truth, she probably wouldn’t be there more than a month. She had no desire to buy a house just so that it could sit empty when she wasn’t there and empty when she was, and she was never one to wear out her welcome when taking advantage of someone else’s hospitality. 

“I was hoping that I would be able to continue serving under your command,” Icheb told her, and she reached out and squeezed his knee.

“Well cadet, first things first you need to go to the academy,” she started, holding her hands up when he opened his mouth to protest. “I know, I know, you’re more experienced than they are, there’s probably not a huge amount you can learn as a cadet that you haven’t learned onboard Voyager. But Starfleet does like to check boxes, and you might find being around some people your own age...refreshing.”

“Refreshing?”

“Yes, you’ve been around adults your entire life. Maybe it’s time to be a teenager for a little while.”

“And, after?”

“Well, after I hope you know that you will always have a place on my crew, should you want it.”

“It is nice to know, that so far away from the planet where I was born, I will always have a home. Thank you, captain.”

Icheb left her on the comfy couch not long after, being summoned by Naomi and going to try the cake she was dragging him towards, but she was not left on her own for long, staring at the admiral, before more people joined her. Crewmen telling her that if she was ever passing their way - wherever their way was going to become - then she had to stop by, that they would do the same if they were in Indiana, she promised each and every one of them and she meant it, but still she wondered how many of them she would never see again. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Chakotay casually taking Seven’s waist, sharing his flute of champagne with her, and tried not to wonder why neither of them had felt like they could tell her. And she tried even harder to wonder, if she’d been a little less her, a little less glued to her principles, if that couldn’t have been her, beaming and sharing his warmth. 

In all honesty she disliked this side of herself. She was too old, too smart, and too experienced for her eyes to be following a man out the room as he left hand in hand with another woman. She was too used to being lonely to let someone else’s happiness hurt her. She loved Seven too much to let anything stand between them. She wanted too badly for Chakotay to be happy to ever wish him anything but well. 

And yet, and yet. 

It was harder with her feet back on the earth. She didn’t have to deny herself the things that she had for seven years, and cracks were beginning to form in the dam she had built. But she had held up the walls for years, she could hold them back a little longer, at least.

It wasn’t all that long before Chakotay was sitting beside her, her first officer had parted from Seven with a kiss to her cheek and a tuck of a stray lock of Seven’s hair behind her ear, as Kathryn looked away and saw to her own. But then he was beside her, and for the first time in seven years, Kathryn almost wished he wasn’t.

“It hasn’t really sunk in yet, has it,” he said, looking around the room - no, looking out the window specifically, out to the cityscape that was so undeniably earth.

“I keep waiting to for it to hit me, but it hasn’t yet. I’m starting to wonder if it ever will. I keep thinking any second I’ll hear the blare of an alarm and be woken up from this lovely dream but the screech of red alert, the ship shaking as a species we’ve never met open’s fire.”

“I know how you feel, every time I look outside and see that,” Chakotay said, pointing out the window to the bright shine of the moon, “I think I need to wake myself up.”

“Now that was a day,” Kathryn chuckled, thinking of the more perplexing scenarios they had found themselves in over the years. 

“It was, and it doesn't even rank in the top twenty strange ordeals we went through.”

“Not even close,” she agreed, sinking into the ease that had always existed between them, the trust and friendship that would never change, and doing her best to let go of other things. 

“You don’t have to worry.”

“About what?” 

“Everyone spreading out, going their own way. I imagine most of them will find their way back to Starfleet, back to you, in time,” he said, easing open her quiet anxieties, the creeping feeling of loss, without a single clue about what they were, and comforting her.

“I’ve watched over them so long I hardly know what I’m going to do when I can’t see them. Worry myself into an early grave, perhaps,” she huffed with a faint smile before shaking herself internally. She didn’t want this day tinged with her own melancholy, not if she could help it. “Besides, who said I was going back to Starfleet.” She narrowed her eyes playfully. 

“Oh you’ll go to Indiana, but I know you, you’re a born explorer, a woman warrior after all, you won’t stay away for long,” Chakotay replied easily, and Kathryn was careful not to show how the reference winded her even as she watched him. 

But Chakotay wasn’t angry any more, the story had changed, and Kathryn knew he was just trying to reassure her that he was there, no matter the distance.

“No, I guess not. There’s still so many stars to see. What about you, do you think you’ll find yourself in San Fransisco again?”

“I don’t know what the future holds. But I doubt it, I was never a good fit in Starfleet.”

“That’s not true,” she replied, there was no version of Voyager without Chakotay that made it home in her mind. He knocked his knee against hers, reminding her of all the dinners in his or her quarters, how easy it was, how easy it would have been to reach for something more. 

“ _ We _ fit well together, me and Starfleet...not so much.”

“We did make a good team.”

“You smoothed every one of my jagged edges.”

“And you taught me how to let my hair down,” she replied, thinking of how rigid she might have tried to be for seven long years, if Chakotay hadn’t been there to show her another way.

“But just a little,” he said, and she almost thought he sounded wistful, and it was enough to make her wonder, even though she knew better. 

“I don’t know what you mean, I haven’t scraped this up into a bun for years,” she joked, searching for one of his smiles and finding one easily as he rolled his eyes at her, smile tugging at his mouth. 

“Two weeks back on earth and she’s got jokes,” he shook his head and they shared a laugh. “I always liked it like this,” he added, and a quiet, fragile moment stretched out between them that Kathryn didn’t know how to interpret. Eventually Chakotay settled back against the couch - Kathryn hadn’t even noticed the way they’d leaned into each other in the first place, the movement came so naturally. Were it not for what she now knew about Chakotay and Seven, she probably wouldn’t have noticed it at all. 

“You’ll have to write to me, and often. I don’t know what I’d do without your daily reports, so that’s an order, captain,” Chakotay said, a strained note in his voice that made her think perhaps she wasn’t the only one. Perhaps. 

“You know, I’m not your captain any more,” she replied with a smile, wondering if he would catch everything that could mean. Wondering down dangerous lines of thought. 

“Nonsense. You’ll always be my captain,” Chakotay replied with a soft smile that she did not struggle to return. The sentiment was a sweet one, and she had had many years of practice ignoring her own feelings in favour of her crew’s. 

And that, Kathryn thought, was that. Better to have a clear answer quickly, to rip off the bandaid, as the old saying went, even if bandaids themselves had long been obsolete. On Voyager, a clean break had never been an option, it was different now.

Her crew, her family, were scattering, running back to friends and families or settling down with their new one. Kathryn resolved to go back to Starfleet before she had to watch any of them leave.

\---------

_ “Don’t become me,” her other self said, startling Kathryn out of the datapad she was pouring over. They were in her - their? - ready room, surviving on coffee and combing over every speck of information they had on the transwarp hub. They had been working in silence for hours, and she hadn’t expected that to change.  _

_ “Excuse me?”  _

_ “Do become me, for the sake of us both.” _

_ “I don’t know. You’re cantankerous, stubborn, and arrogant, but other than that things don’t look so bad from here.” _

_ “You’re not that naive. Do you know I don’t even have a dog? There is no one at home who can look after one for me while I’m away. To try and stop myself from noticing, I’m always away. You can see how this story goes.” _

_ “We don’t have much time between now and facing down the queen, this doesn’t seem like it should be a conversational priority,” Kathryn said, trying to brush the admiral off. Getting back to earth was supposed to be when the loneliness that crept in sometimes was finally quashed, when walls didn’t need to be kept up to maintain the command structure the ship relied on so heavily. She didn’t like being told she was wrong.  _

_ “From where I’m sitting, it is,” the admiral said, and Kathryn chose to ignore her - ignoring yourself surely couldn’t be considered rude or insubordinate. She was back to reading her datapad by the time the admiral spoke again, dashing Kathryn’s hopes that she would leave it alone.  _

_ “Kathryn.” _

_ “We’re getting home decades before you did, my life is going to be different to yours.” _

_ “They haven’t been together very long.” _

_ “What?” She feigned ignorance about what her other self was talking about.  _

_ “Chakotay and Seven. It’s new. Young. You’re going home, the things that stopped you five years ago...they don’t exist any more.” _

_ “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied, voice gone steely, this - the way she felt - wasn’t a conversation she had ever permitted herself to have with herself, and that wasn’t going to change now.  _

_ “You can’t lie to me, I am you. Talk to him.” _

_ “Ah, I see now why I don’t want to become you, if you have become this selfish,” Kathryn scolded, unable to believe what her other self was suggesting. _

_ “You’re forcing him to make a decision without all the facts. At a certain point self sacrifice stops being noble and starts just being flagellation.” _

_ “Says the woman ready to die for us.” _

_ “You find a way to deal with it, because of course you do. Maid of honour, best man and officator all at once and with a smile on your face, at the wedding you wished to be wearing a white dress at. You’re happy for them, I was always proud of myself for that, there is never resentment either, and neither your relationship with Chakotay nor Seven will suffer, because you won’t let it, and even your smiles will be genuine.” _

_ “I don’t see the problem,” Kathryn replied through gritted teeth, realising that the fastest way to end this conversation was to plough through it. Her older self was not about to let it drop.  _

_ “The problem is it  _ hurts _ , Kathy. It hurts and hurts until you think it doesn’t hurt any more, but it does, you’ve just grown used to your reality. The problem is that getting the crew home safely means  _ getting you home safely too _ , and it would be my preference for you to at least take the chance and see if it isn’t too late.” _

_ “If you think I will risk either of those friendships for something that is not real, for something that Chakotay has moved on from, then perhaps you have forgotten who I am. They are happy, it is enough - more than enough. No two people deserve it more,” Kathryn replied, the admiral shook her head and looked out at the stars.  _

_ “The hardest part, though it took me years to admit it to myself, was not knowing. Not knowing if it could have been me, what we could have been if circumstances had been different.” _

_ “The circumstances aren’t different. Years ago we made a sacrifice, and it was the right thing to do.” _

_ “I was staring down decades more in the delta quadrant, I didn’t have a choice. You do. But not if you count yourself out of the race, not if you don’t give him all the information.” _

_ “He loves her.” _

_ “Not yet he doesn’t.” _

_ “When did you become so cold?” Kathryn chided harshly, resisting the urge to pace. She wanted to move from the desk and look out the window, find comfort in the passing stars, but that would take her closer to her other self.  _

_ “What if he just thinks that you do not feel the same anymore?” The admiral said, ignoring her question like it had never been voiced. _

_ “You talk like he’s been waiting for me all this time. He hasn’t, and I wouldn’t  _ want _ him to have.” _

_ “No, but I know you Kathryn. It’s only 2378, and I know you still think about it sometimes. Getting back to earth early, getting to listen to your heart for once instead of your head. I know that when you think about growing old, he’s always there beside you. There is no one beside me, Kathryn, I came here alone.” _

_ “My private thoughts are no one else’s concern, not even yours. It doesn’t matter what I thought about in foolish, lonely moments. He is with Seven, from what you have told me they will grow to love each other very much. It’s too late.” _

_ “You deserve to be happy too,” the admiral said, more quietly but just as firm as everything that had come before it. Kathryn ignored her, and turned back to the notes about the borg queen.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, Janeway will shake off the melancholy edge she has in this chapter and feel a bit more like the badass captain we all know and love during the next chapter. But back on earth! She can finally feel her feelings, and I wanted to have space to do that. 
> 
> Hopefully I will see you soon for more - thank you for reading <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments <3 they mean the world to me and got my fingers tapping away at this next chapter. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one too <3

She took a leave of absence - or used some of her seven years’ worth of built up holiday, depending on your outlook - from Starfleet and took her trip to Indiana, though she still answered numerous messages every day from various admirals and vice admirals. She doubted the questions would stop for years. They wanted her to start a lecture series on the Delta Quadrant, but that would keep for now. 

Indiana was even more beautiful than she remembered, and so alive compared to the beloved grey of her starship. She stopped by the lake on her way and breathed in the air, sitting on the sand, a chilly enough day that there weren’t all that many people around. Their faces had been broadcast all over the planet, but out of her Starfleet fatigues, no one paid her any mind. 

Her sister made it upright to greet her - an impressive feat given the size of her, and directly against her medical orders - and Kathryn was relieved that she did when she was swept into a deep hug, awkward around her sister’s large baby bump, but more than she had had in years. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright Kaths, you’re home,” her sister soothed when Kathryn found that she couldn’t let go. She was crying before she could control it and her sister squeezed her tighter. “We need to get this baby out so I can give you a better squeeze, you look like you need it,” Phoebe joked, she was grinning as Kathryn helped her back down onto the couch, but there were tears streaming down her face too. Seven years was a long time. 

They curled up together on the lumpy cushions, just like they had as children, and Kathryn cried on her sister shoulder, just like she had as a child. Kathryn had spent year suppressing her tears as often as she could, needing to be strong for her crew, that realising she didn’t have to stop them with time was enough for the dam to finally shatter in the safety of the old family farm. 

When she couldn’t stop them, a part of her wondered if she would be happier if she had been left with Jaffen and she turned away from the thought. Then she thought of the planet with the monkey, and a hand built bathtub, and half-said confessions, and she turned harder. 

“Better?” Phoebe asked with a wry smile after Kathryn started to calm back down again, wiping her own face she finally released the side-hug she had Kathryn gratefully trapped in.

“Yes. Actually,” Kathryn replied, taking a nearby tissue and dabbing at her eyes and cheeks, surprised by how much lighter she felt already. “Sorry for that.”

“Yeah well, seven years of stress and crushing responsibility with no reprieve will do that to you,” Phoebe replied. Kathryn wasn’t sure what to say next, there was too much to say, enough to fill weeks - months even, and she didn’t know where to start. But Phoebe had always known these things, and she took the lead now, taking Kathryn’s hand and placing it on her round belly. Kathryn felt a telltale light thump against her fingers. “Feel that? Looks like your nephew is saying hi.”

Kathryn bit her lip, eyes tearing up again as she felt it again, unsure how to articulate everything she was feeling. She felt foolish, for thinking she didn’t have a family outside of her crew. 

“Hello there,” she smiled, biting at her lip and following the movement with Phoebe's help. “Do you have a name yet?”

“Ha. Well. That’s an entire saga. Do you know what angst it caused us that there was no boy version of Kathryn? But you’re back now so we’re off the hook for that,” her sister grinned at her, startling a chuckle out of Kathryn. “The long and short of it is I like Elijah and Verity likes Cosh’o. I’m going to win though, she just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Oh she knows it,” Verity said, as if summoned, dusting the dirt off her hands as she came in through the front door. 

“Yes well if you push the next one out you can have the final say on names,” Phoebe grumbled playfully. 

Kathryn hadn’t met Verity before, but she liked her almost instantly, a hard worker with good values who seemed to care about the family farm just as much as Phoebe always had. They had an ease around each other that reassured her they were going to be perfect together. There was only one person she had ever felt that kind of ease around. 

The baby, her nephew Elijah, was born just three days later, ‘he was keen to meet you’ Phoebe joked when her water broke, but the feeling was entirely mutual, and she was smitten from the first moment. Verity and Phoebe were grateful for her help with the newborn, allowing them to both get more sleep than they would have otherwise managed; no one knew how to function on just a few hours of sleep a night quite like a starfleet captain stranded alone in the delta quadrant did. So she got to spend long hours with her new nephew, he was easy to talk to and let her say a lot of things. 

“You would have loved him. He has the Janeway eyes,” Kathryn said. She was holding Elijah, sitting on the ground beside her parent’s memorial, having finally felt strong enough to go, and a walk always seemed to calm Elijah when he was crying. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it back in time,” she whispered to her mother. She’d died a year before Voyager made it home, almost to the day. Elijah made a tired, grumbly-squeak of a sound and Kathryn smiled, feeling another weight slip from her shoulders. 

Back at the house, Kathryn found five messages waiting for her. Three from Starfleet, one from Tuvok, and one from Chakotay, and she chewed at her lip as she hovered over opening the message, before eventually leaving it unread, and going to help Phoebe with dinner. 

“You seem subdued,” her sister said that evening, Verity already asleep so she would be able to get up with Elijah in the night. “It’s not a criticism, you just had to spend seven year switched on all the time, I get it. But I wouldn’t be a good sister if I didn’t ask if you were okay. So, are you?”

“I’m not sure,” Kathryn replied, her index finger swirling around the rim of her wine glass. “You’d think I’d feel more fine than I have in a long time.”

“But you don’t?” 

“I’m glad to be home. More than I could ever put into words. But…” Kathryn trailed off, not knowing how to put it into words, any of it.

“But you’re a captain without a ship, and a captain whose crew has all gone their separate ways. It must feel weird.”

“It does.”

“Is that all it is?” Phoebe asked, and Kathryn wondered how her intuition was still this good after so many years apart. 

“I’m in love with my first officer,” she said, surprising herself with the words, she hadn’t known she was ready to admit it. “And once I think he felt the same. But they were all my subordinates, and it wouldn’t have been fair, so I put a stop to it. And now we’re home, and he’s showing Seven the word.”

“Oh Kaths,” Phoebe sighed, genuine empathy in her voice. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Kathryn replied, forcing a smile to flash on her lips, but she couldn’t hold it, and she knew it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Is it?” Phoebe asked, and she didn’t know how to answer. The silence was loud. “Ever since you were little you always put everyone else before yourself, it was sweet, and it’s admirable now. But you’re home, it’s okay to look out for yourself for a little while.”

The letter from Chakotay stayed unread, Kathryn telling herself she would get to it soon, when she was ready. 

\-----------

“So Mark called. While you were out,” Phoebe said, when Kathryn came through the door with a satchel full of freshly picked pears. She faltered slightly in her step, looking studiously at the fruit bowl as she decanted her haul. 

“Oh?” She replied, not knowing how she felt. 

“Yeah. He wanted to know if he could come visit, if you wouldn’t mind seeing him.”

“I don’t mind,” she replied softy. 

“That’s what I said,” Phoebe responded, before proceeding to stand awkwardly, on the cusp of saying something else, but it took her a few moments to summon it, fidgeting and looking at the floorboards. It was unusual for her. “I let him off the hook, you know. Years ago, before we knew you were alive. I hope that doesn’t make me an awful sister.”

“Of course it doesn’t. What were you supposed to believe, I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t have wanted him to feel obligated to wait around for someone who may well have never made it home.”

“You never think you’re worth waiting for,” Phoebe smiled at her sadly. In truth she was glad Mark hadn’t waited for her, it had lifted some of the guilt from her, because by the time the letter came, it wasn’t Mark in her dreams anymore, if she was being honest with herself. 

Mark arrived a week later, Kathryn waiting on the porch to greet him. She thought it was destined to be awkward, stilted and uncomfortable, no matter how hard they might try. But then Mark got out of his transport with a leash in his hand and a familiar bundle of brown fur that made Kathryn’s knees buckle. 

“Mollie,” she called in disbelief, and the old dog’s ears perked up immediately, swivelling to find Kathryn and forcing Mark to unhook her leash and she yanked him forward. 

She barreled into Kathryn despite the fact she was clearly an old girl now, her snout and whiskers having gone grey. Knocked into the dirt Kathryn rubbed at Mollie’s fur as every inch of her face was licked, Mollie clambering into her lap to get closer and squealing with excitement. She heard Mark’s familiar chuckle, and he waited patiently until both Kathryn and Mollie had calmed down - he waited quite a while. 

“I didn’t think she’d still be with us,” Kathryn said, looking up from the ground with shining eyes to Mark and that genial smile of his. 

“Oh but you know Mollie, tough and stubborn, just like you,” Mark replied, helping Kathryn off the floor and laughing through the awkward moment when neither of them was sure whether they should hug or not. 

“Thank you, so much, for bringing her. I missed her,”

“More than anyone, I bet.”

“You can’t explain to a dog why someone has vanished. I worried she’d think I abandoned her,” Kathryn admitted, one hand still stroking Mollie constantly, her chest aching at how excited Mollie was to see her. 

“She missed you, we pined for you together for a long time. But we saw each other through it, and I never let her feel abandoned.”

“You’re a good man, Mark Johnson.”

“Am I?”

“Yes,” Kathryn replied. “I’m glad you’re happy. Truly.” It was strange to think that were it not for the Caretaker, she would be married to this man right now. She loved him, she knew that, but it had been a long time since she was in love with him, and she felt warm as she realised that there was no pain when she thought about him with someone other than her. It gave her hope for the future, that one day, with enough time, she would feel nothing but warm for Chakotay and Seven too. 

The admiral’s words echoed around her head. ‘ _ It hurts and hurts until you think it doesn’t hurt any more, but it does, you’ve just grown used to your reality’.  _ They were difficult to ignore, but she held onto the fantasy Mark represented anyway. 

They spent the day together, and it was easy, and she remembered that before they had ever been a couple, she and Mark had been friends. He told her about his family, the twins he and his wife had had, how his business had grown and changed. She told him about the Delta Quadrant and about her crew, and he told her his greatest fear when they discovered Voyager had survived, was that she would keep herself isolated, but he was glad she’d found a family. 

“You know,” Mark said as he helped Mollie back into his hovercar. “We could share custody.”

“From what you’ve told me your boys would hunt me down,” Kathryn shook her head, fingers tangling in Mollie’s fur. She hated to let her go again, but when Mollie’s excitement had worn off Kathryn could see that no matter how pleased she was to see Kathryn again, Mollie was Mark’s dog through and through now. It wouldn’t be fair of her. “But I will visit as often as you’ll let me.”

“We can take her on walks together. She can’t go as far as she used to, but she still chases a ball if you throw it.”

“I’d like that,” Kathryn smiled, but Mark didn’t live in San Francisco anymore, and she didn’t know how often she would be able to get away. 

“One of Mollie’s pups, all grown up now, is about to have a litter of her own, and well, not all the little ones are spoken for yet,” Mark offered.

All the reasons why she couldn’t say yes flooded into her at once. There was no one to look after the dog while she was away any more, she wouldn’t be home much, she didn’t even have a house right now and a lot of city apartments didn’t allow them.

She thought about the admiral. 

“When are they due?” 

\-----------

The rest of her stay with her sister passed quickly, and she stayed longer than she had first anticipated, finding peace in the dirt and creaking floorboards and her nephew. Phoebe gave her keys just before she left, and Kathryn had repaid her with a puzzled expression until Phoebe explained; it was the house, not as old as the farm, but far less well kept, the one they had used for holidays as kids, secluded and near the lake in another part of Indiana. 

“We were going to sell it, we can’t afford the upkeep on two places, and this was always home. But if you want it, it’s yours Kaths.”

She had taken the keys and hugged her sister, and promised her nephew she would see him soon. 

On her way back to Starfleet she visited the house first, balking at the amount of work that needed to be done to the place - the front door was barely on its hinges - but knowing that there was nowhere else she was going to be able to call home, even if it was so far from San Fransisco. It was 2378, there were plenty of ways around it. 

She also drove by Mark’s. They went on the walk they had talked about, and she met the puppies, although they were too young to go anywhere with her just yet, Mark showed her which one was hers and she named her Autumn, still not knowing how she was going to make it work, but knowing that she needed to find a way. 

There was another letter from Chakotay before she got back to Starfleet, and it sat unread beside the first one, though the guilt at not reading them made her uneasy. 

As she had expected, she was swept up again as soon as she set foot back in HQ. The lecture series started and the debriefings continued and the questions never ended. And she felt the absence of her entire crew like a knife to the gut. She caught herself looking to her side for Chakotay’s opinion too many times in the day to be fair. 

Two weeks passed before she got a call to her small flat in San Francisco, the house in Indiana and the puppy already feeling impossible with the itinerary of her days - and she hadn’t even left earth yet. But she promised herself she would find a way. 

“Janeway here,” she answered, assuming it was someone at Starfleet with a question that simply couldn’t wait, but then a familiar face loaded on the view screen and Kathryn’s heart clenched. She needed more than a couple of months, then. 

“Captain,” Chakotay smiled at her, and she felt herself lighting up inside. “I was worried about you,” he said, before she could greet him in return. 

“About me? Why?”

“Well, for one; someone should, I know how much coffee you’ll drink without supervision,” he joked, and Kathryn rolled her eyes fondly. “But also I hadn’t heard from you, so I wanted to check in. Did you get my letters?” He asked, and Kathryn thought about the two unopened messages sitting on her datapad, the guilt she had been holding at bay rushing in to greet her. 

“I didn’t. They must have managed to lose themselves somewhere,” she lied, not proud of herself for it, but not knowing how to tell the truth without telling too much of it. 

“I thought they might have. You’d think things would be more reliable, not less now that we’re back, but I’ve already had more pieces of technology fail on me here than I did all the time we were away.”

“The luxury of a place that can easily replace anything that fails.”

“I know. Just the other day the new tricorder I got for Seven gave out, less than two months old,” he shook his head, and Kathryn absorbed the stab of hurt without any of it showing on her face. Practice made perfect. “At least our holocamera is still working,” he added, and proceeded to show her a string of photos she would have preferred not to see. 

They were a beautiful couple and from the content, Chakotay seemed determined to show Seven all of the natural landmarks North America had to offer. With each photo, Seven’s smile looked easier, her posture more relaxed, her clothes more casual, and their pose more filled with the easy intimacy that came with time. 

“What did she think of Niagara?” Kathryn asked, looking for a reason for the photos to be put away at least. Chakotay smiled and her and laughed fondly. 

“She said it was loud, and an ‘impressive natural phenomenon’.”

“High praise,” Kathryn smiled back, trying not to imagine getting soaked on one of those old-fashioned boats as it drove around the falls with Chakotay standing beside her, looking just as handsome as he had in the holophoto he had thankfully put away. “Where is Seven?” She asked, despite everything, she would like to see her. 

“Sleeping. She’s not regenerating any more so she’s resting a lot still. I think she finds the number of people who want to talk to her exhausting as well,” he said, and she wanted to tell him how to protect Seven from it, but it would be a ridiculous thing for her to say, Chakotay would already know. “She complains about it being inefficient, sleeping, I mean,” he grinned and they shared a laugh. “What about you?”

“Nothing much to report, I’m afraid, life isn’t as exciting safe on earth,” she replied, finding herself reluctant to admit that she was already back at HQ, that she was already starting conversations about another ship assignment, like an old sailor, aching for the sea. 

“You’re killing me here, I’ve already had to go two months without hearing your reports every day. Two months! It’s been hell,” Chaktoay joked, and Kathryn didn’t let herself pretend that there was anything deeper in it, than a joke between friends who had relied so heavily on one another for so long. 

“Well, I have a nephew. Elijah, he was born just a few days after I got back to Indiana, he’s perfect,” she said and glad to have someone to share it with she pulled a holophoto Verity had taken, of Elijah asleep on her chest. Every line in Chakotay’s face softened when he saw it, and it made her wonder if Chakotay wanted children before she pushed the thought away. 

“Beautiful,” Chakotay said gently, before turning to a more teasing tone. “I won’t tell anyone if you want to steal him.”

“Don’t tempt me, I just might. Maybe I’ll wait a few months for Phoebe and Verity to be sleep deprived enough not to stop me,” she hummed, a part of her wishes she had stayed on the farm, but that wasn’t her life, and she was scared of what she might find out if about herself if she sat still long enough to look. 

“I’ve missed you,” Chakotay sighed, so casually, with the ease of someone who meant nothing but friendship by it, and they shared a quiet moment together, before Kathryn found what to say. She didn’t want to say she missed him too, he could read her too well, and she worried what he might hear. 

“It feels so strange not to hear from you every day,” she said instead. She remember what she had said on Voyager,  _ three years ago I didn’t even know your name, now I can’t imagine a day without you _ . It was true then and it was true now, but she was trying to learn, for her own sake.

“Says you. Imagine what it’s like for me, every time a hard decision has to be made I have to do it myself!”

“How barbaric,” she joined in on the joke, both of them well aware that Chakotay had never feared a difficult decision, it was one of the things that had made him such a wonderful first officer. “But, pray tell, what difficult decisions have you had to make on your vacation?”

“Just this morning I had to choose between toast or eggs for breakfast, and you were nowhere in sight to help.”

“How remiss of me. For future reference, always go with the eggs, they always come with toast.”

“Smart. You see, this is why I am so bereft without you.”

“You’re not the only one,” she said, with less humour than she had meant to, and she continued on clumsily, not wanting him to pick up on it. “Do you think you’ll come back to Starfleet?” Kathryn asked, regretting it immediately. She already knew the answer, he had already answered it at the party and asking again showed too many of her cards. 

Chakotay would never be her first officer again, and sure enough he shook his head, looking down. 

“Not to work. I’ve had a lot of invites to the academy to do some talks that I might take them up on, but I don’t think I’ll ever be putting a uniform back on again. It never fit me well.”

“Nonesense,” she said sincerely. “You were the best first officer I could have had.”

“We’ve had this conversation before,” he gave her a slightly sad smile, and she wished she had never brought it up. “I thought about it. I thought about all the times we saved each other, and I thought to myself, ‘you can’t just leave her, you’re a team, you need each other’. But you don’t need me to be the best captain Starfleet has to offer, and you’re going to shine no matter what. You always did outshine the stars themselves.” He comforted, and she wished his words didn’t make her chest ache and her stomach twist the way it did, the way it would be so easy to read into his words. 

“It’s very cruel of you really - oh not to me, to the poor sap who has to be my next first officer,” she put on her smile that she didn’t feel, and lifted the suddenly heavy atmosphere of their call, despite what it cost her.

“I’m sure you’ll whip him into shape. And don’t worry, I’ll visit,” he said, making Kathryn wonder if Seven’s plans to come back to Starfleet had changed, and she would be without her friend as well, if he only planned to visit. 

“I’ll hold you to it. But I had better go,” she said, even though there was no worldly reason why she couldn’t sit on this call all night. But her hastily resurrected dam felt like it was faltering again, and she was wishing that he would visit soon, and wishing that he wouldn’t for years as well. 

“Ah, alright. Promise me you’ll stay in touch though, I really do feel at a loss without you,” he said, wind faltering from his sails enough for her to notice over the visual link and she realised that she was being selfish. Chakotay was her friend, and she had treated him poorly. “ 

“I promise,” she said, half hugging herself to ward off the slight chill that had been growing in the room. It took her a long time to fall asleep, but she blamed it on not being used to being back on a planet, instead of her ship. 

Three days later another letter arrived, but this time she opened it, every word a burn and balm to her. She asked for a new command the next morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3 tune in next time for janeway and chakotay writing letters to each other like a victorian romance novel and janeway getting her captain groove back ~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the lovely response to this fic <3 chapter count has gone up again because I'm me, but I think six is what it will be as I wrote a little plan.
> 
> Last chapter will probably knock the rating up to E but I don't want to change it on the fic until i've actually committed to that - I'd hate to be a tease. If anyone is adverse to reading smut, fear not, it will just be me writing a Very Happy Ending and you'll get a non-euphemistic happy ending and can just bail out before clothes hit the deck 
> 
> I angsted over how to format this chapter, and then i discovered the blockquote button - seven years on ao3 you'd think i'd have known all the buttons by now. 
> 
> Anyway that's enough rambling from me, enjoy!

They wanted to make her vice admiral quickly - too quickly, in her opinion, by rights some of the choices she had made in the Delta Quadrant should have gotten her cautionary meetings, not a promotion. More to the point, she wasn’t ready to be _her_ yet. 

Despite the refusal of the promotion - or possibly because of it - she was given a new command, the USS Valiant, and a simple science mission out to a nearby nebula that was changing colour unnaturally. Every time she commed engineering, she had to stop herself from saying _Janeway to Torres_ ; she had to hold back her disorientation every time a human voice brimming with emotion answered her from Tactical, and a hard, logical tone came from Operations; and the doctor was thankfully patient with her habit of turning on the EMH instead of looking for him. 

Commander Harris was talented, level headed, and a fine first officer, someone Kathryn knew that with a little time, she could be fast friends with. It wasn’t Harris’ fault that every time Kathryn was swept up in a fast paced moment, she turned around expecting to find Chakotay, his name half on her lips already.

When the nebula unexpectedly sucked them in and started attacking the ship's systems, an aggressive space dwelling lifeform revealing itself as the cause for the changes in the cloud, Kathryn felt a thrill run up her spine. Brainstorming with her science officers and taking the con herself to guide the ship out, tricking the life form about their whereabouts in the nebula by creating a plasmic echo a few kilometres off their starboard bow. 

She was praised when she got back for thinking so fast on her feet and handling the situation so quickly and without help. In reality, she’d spent so long unable to call for her, it hadn’t even occurred to her that she could, and the only people she had wanted to call on weren’t there anyway. Back in the Alpha Quadrant, with all of Starfleet at her back, and she felt more alone than ever, but, she knew that would change with time. It was a dance she used to know, and she would learn the steps again.

The Valiant was a science and exploration vessel and she was glad of it, knowing she would always, first and foremost, be a science officer. After that first mission came the second one, and then the third, and Kathryn knew she was beginning to find her feet again. She hadn’t stopped looking for her Voyager crew in high stress moments, but she doubted that would be changed for a long time. 

She wanted to get back on the bridge of Voyager, though she worried it would feel wrong manned by a different crew. It wasn’t an option at the moment, there was talk of turning it into a museum, which she was protesting to, Voyager was still in working order, and had some good years left in her yet. But it had at least been decided that if Voyager was made active again, there was no one else they would even consider as a captain for her. 

Chakotay sent her a letter almost every week, at first they were like digital postcards, some pictures of the vistas they were visiting, the beauty of earth they had all been so desperate to get back to, and pictures of him and Seven enjoying the sights hand in hand. She flicked past those ones more quickly than the others. 

He told her about the things they’d seen, anything amusing that had happened, creatures that he’d seen, things that reminded him of Voyager or the Delta Quadrant, or of her. Those were perhaps harder to see than anything else. In return Kathryn started writing back, her letters were shorter, feeling that her own escapades were far less interesting; just more of what she had already been doing for the last seven years. But he always seemed interested, always picked up on parts of her letters and asked more questions, usually the part of the mission that had interested her the most too.

He joked about being relieved to have his captain’s reports back, even if they were only once a week now, and she was glad no one could see her sad smile.

After the Valiant’s third mission in as many weeks there was a break in their schedule, the academy had booked her for another series of talks, this time on first contact in undesirable situations, which meant that she was going to have her feet on the ground for almost a fortnight. When she got back to her functional apartment near HQ, she could see her terminal blinking at her with an unread message, and knew without looking who it would be from. He liked writing on Fridays, and she had come to expect it just as much as she had come to expect their weekly dinners together on the ship. 

She picked up a datapad from the coffee table, brewed herself some tea - she was trying to convince herself to like it, at least in the evenings - and settled onto the couch. 

> _Captain,_
> 
> _I hope the asteroid ring didn’t give you any trouble, you should be back by now I think? Things seem to go unexpectedly wrong less here - funny that. I still can’t believe what you told me about dilithium being thrown out because of a slight impurity - we worked out how to deal with that less than a year into our trip! If we’d thrown out everything with a slight impurity we never would have made it back. I guess you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Almost makes you think it would do some of them some good to get stranded for a while._
> 
> _Seven has officially seen the Grand Canyon! I’ve only seen it once before in my life and my memory didn’t do it justice, somehow this big fissure gives me more perspective than the entire Delta Quadrant did. Not that we didn’t see some beautiful things, do you remember the sunset on Rylax IV? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful, there was a flower in your hair and it matched the colour of the horizon perfectly. But there is something about the beauty of your home planet that just seems incomparable, at least to me. Have you been to the Canyon? I’m sure you have, but sometimes I think we miss the things that are right under our noses. Let me know if you haven’t, you wouldn’t have to twist my arm to go back, I could be your tour guide, although, you were always the better navigator._
> 
> _I heard from Samantha the other day, apparently Naomi still talks about you constantly, she’ll be bringing you in for show and tell next - and between you and me, I know you’d never say no. They’re doing well, things are a little complicated with Greskrendtregk at the moment, but I think they’re rebuilding - I’m not sure any of us stopped to think how complicated coming home was going to be, but still, I wouldn’t trade it._
> 
> _Oh! And I lost a boot. Don’t ask me how, but my boot is now a part of the Grand Canyon. I had to hop a long way to get back to the transport - the stones I could have dealt with, but the heat! I think my bare foot would have melted clean off._
> 
> _Hope to hear from you soon_
> 
> _Chakotay_

Kathryn smiled to herself as she read. She did remember the sunset on Rylax, it was something she was unlikely to ever forget, a friendly planet, shore leave for everyone, Chakotay insisting that that include her too, and leading her down to the beach just to see it. He’d bought the flower from a child selling them on the sand and tucked it behind her ear. It had been one of the many times she had felt her resolve weaken, how different her life might be if she had let it. She had a photo of Rylax on her desk, though some days it felt masochistic. 

There were some holophotos attached to the letter, one showing Chakotay and Seven looking out at the Canyon, his hand at the small of her back; one of the Canyon itself; and one of Chakotay hopping around with only one boot on. 

She didn’t usually reply so quickly, needing some time to process all the emotions - wanted and unwanted - that came along with hearing from Chakotay and Seven, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to shake Rylax from her mind for some time now. But the photo was making her chuckle, and for once the words - or at least most of them - came easily. 

> _Dear Chakotay_ , 
> 
> _The boot I understand, what I want to know is how you managed to lose your sock as well. Report commander, and make it good, my feet are back on the ground for a little while and I need some entertainment._
> 
> _The asteroid went to plan, or at least there were no disasters, but the presence of a thus far undiscovered element turned out to be untrue, so sadly nothing to report on that front - a shame, all the best scientists have an element named after them. I was looking forward to Janewayium, or perhaps Kathron._
> 
> _I have been to the Canyon, but it’s been more decades than I care to admit, I wouldn't be difficult to convince to go again. Though leave from Starfleet is beginning to feel like a pipe dream again, I think they have me scheduled through the year in one place or another. It’s making me nervous about the puppy, I don’t think it would be fair on her._
> 
> _I’m doing a series of talks on first contact at the academy this week. Do you know we made over 150 first contacts in the Delta Quadrant? It’s both more and less than I expected. A ridiculous number when placed beside other first contact missions completed, but absolutely everything was so new out there, it almost felt like we were meeting a new species every day. I thought I would talk about Neelix to start, and how sometimes first contact is far less formal than you expect it to be. Any suggestions for others?_
> 
> _Of course I remember Rylax._
> 
> _Kathryn_

Not expecting to hear back until the following Friday, Kathryn heaved herself up from the couch before she could get too comfortable, and started getting ready for bed. It was early, but she kept gruelling hours when she was leading a mission, something The Doctor had scolded her for for years. It was less than four paces from her living room to her bathroom, and just another four to her bed. She could afford something significantly better, but the keys to the old Janeway house were sitting in her bedside drawer. It would cost money to do up and make comfortable, and it would cost time she wasn’t sure she had. But buying a bigger place in San Francisco felt like giving up on it completely. 

Besides, you didn’t need much room just for one. 

\---------

Before the Delta Quadrant, the cadets had always been respectful of the pips in her collar, but otherwise paid her little notice, but as she walked down the hallways of the academy now, she felt every set of eyes on her, wide and filled with awe. It was a strange feeling, and she was grateful of the brave souls that approached her to ask informal questions about her journey, even if it made her a little late for her lecture. 

It was a similar story in the hall; wide eyes and no small amount of hero worship that made her uncomfortable and she couldn’t help but think that she didn’t deserve. Especially as all she could think about was whether or not the seat she used to sit in, third row from the front, smack bang in the middle, still had a flimsy screw or not. 

She told them about Neelix, it was a good way to start. Six talks scheduled in total, there would be plenty of time to cover the good the bad and the ugly, and talking about Neelix was easy.

“Captain, I was wondering,” one of the cadets asked at the end of the talk, apparently too shy to look directly at her. “What would you say the most important thing you needed on Voyager to get back?”

“A steady and reliable stream of coffee,” she replied, getting a chuckle out of everyone gathered in the room. “Laugh all you like but I once took the ship into a nebula just to farm enough power to get the replicators working _purely_ for coffee. Neelix hadn't got the hang of brewing it for us just yet. But on a more serious note, the most important thing was the crew, every single one of them was vital to our efforts to get home. Whether you are the captain or an ensign on your first mission, never doubt how integral you are to the mission.”

She was surprised when she got home that evening, to find another letter from Chakotay already waiting for her, he must be having a quieter Monday than usual. 

> _Captain,_
> 
> _Fine, but I forbid you from telling anyone else about this. A rattlesnake bit my boot, thankfully its teeth didn’t get through to my actual foot - ignore Seven if she ever tells you I screamed - but less thankfully it got stuck. Having, I’m sure you can understand, less than no desire to attempt to grab the snake and help it off my boot, but also unwilling to hurt it, I decided to take my boot off. Halfway off my foot of course the snake gets free, in my panic I kicked my leg out and my boot went flying - the snake was fine, and slithered off into the distance._
> 
> _As for the sock, well, bootless and shaken from my traumatic near death experience, I was a little clumsy and managed to stand in a melting lump of recently dropped ice cream, which proceeded to attract every ant in the state to my sock, so I really felt I was better off without it - something I re-evaluated when I realised just how much further things are when you have to hop to them. Hopping in 100℉? Not fun._
> 
> _What’s this about a puppy? I know you always loved dogs, I felt like I knew Mollie with how many stories you told me about her - and I could have listened to a hundred more. What are you worried about? Maybe we can work it out together, we were always good at that._
> 
> _Was it really only 150? I think I would have guessed 200 at least. But you’re right, every day felt new. Also I suppose, Seven told us about a lot of species we didn’t actually meet ourselves. Neelix is a great place to start, the Night Alien’s were certainly unique, appearing on our ship like that, yet not being hostile. I was so worried about you in those days you know, locked away in your quarters, I still wish I could have done more for you. The Automated Unit’s as well, we learned a few lessons there._
> 
> _I discovered a new blend of coffee last week. I have sent some to you, hopefully it will arrive soon. I think you’ll like it, it’s strong enough to melt durasteel._
> 
> _Chakotay_
> 
> _P.S._
> 
> _I vote you discover two elements, and use them both. If anyone can do it, it’d definitely be you._

After hearing the story, she couldn’t help but pin up the holophoto of Chakotay hopping around in one boot, knowing it would bring a smile to her face when she needed one. 

\----------

> _Dear Chakotay,_
> 
> _All the species in the Delta Quadrant and all it takes is a rattlesnake to take my first officer down! If only the borg had realised._
> 
> _The coffee was delicious, you will have to tell me where you got it so I can place an order - you didn’t even include the name of the blend you terrible tease. And I’ll have you know I was trying to force myself into a tea-habit instead, but you have thoroughly ruined that now, I’ll point The Doctor at you the next time he’s complaining about my caffeine intake._
> 
> _As for the puppy, it’s just me being unrealistic about things. Mark came to see me with Mollie (!!!), and he mentioned that one of Mollie’s daughters was about to have a brood of her own, and offered me one of the puppies. I shouldn’t have said yes, but like you say I love dogs, so I ignored all of the reasons why I knew I couldn’t. And now I think I’m going to have to tell Mark I can’t after all._
> 
> _It’s silly, but the admiral told me she didn’t have a dog because she didn’t have time, and it upset me more than I care to admit, and I didn’t want that to be me. But the truth is without someone to help me look after her while I’m on mission, I_ don’t _have time. Starfleet won’t let me take a dog on the Valiant - yes, I asked - so there’s nothing to work out I’m afraid, I don’t really have a choice. It’s just disappointing._
> 
> _I never should have locked myself in my quarters away from you all, it was my choice and my mistake, and I have never been so grateful for insubordination in my life. I never should have shut you out._
> 
> _Kathryn_

She attached to the letter a picture of her holding Autumn, a tiny little squirming thing that wouldn’t be hers, licking her cheek as she scrunched up her face and laughed. 

> _Captain,_
> 
> _That puppy is far too cute to give up - do you remember when Q tried to tempt you with a puppy, it made me realise he was paying far more attention to you than felt entirely safe, but then I never did like Q. Come to think of it, he definitely didn’t like me either. But I have an idea, me and Seven won’t be travelling forever, what if I helped you look after her? I could keep her while you’re away, I’ve always liked dogs as well. Seven doesn’t, but I don’t think she’ll mind if it isn’t technically ours - this sounds awful, but you know Seven well enough to know what I mean._
> 
> _Now, the coffee, I could tell you what brand it is, but then how would I keep you reliant on me! Your new first officer has a great reputation, I need to defend my turf. I’ll send you some more next week, I promise._
> 
> _We took a detour out to where Tom and B’Elanna have settled down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the more sleep deprived, even when they were trying to break the transwarp threshold - you’ll have to tell me how you explained the aftermath of_ that _to Starfleet one day. Miral has one hell of a set of lungs on her, but - would you believe it - she calms right down when I hold her, I think B’Elanna was ready to lock me up in the basement and force me to stay. They wouldn’t have had to try very hard, to be honest._
> 
> _Let me know if you like the puppy plan, it would be nice to have an excuse to see you more often as well, I know how monopolised Starfleet is keeping you, feather in their cap that you are, but don’t forget to do the things you want to as well._
> 
> _Chakotay_

There was a group of photos attached that made Kathryn’s heart clench. Chakotay holding Miral, Seven and B’Elanna arguing, Tom _cooking_ of all things. And finally, the five of them together, enjoying a barbeque. Kathryn would have given anything to be there. 

\----------

> _Dear Chakotay,_
> 
> _I couldn’t possibly impose on you like that, you always were too generous with yourself. How would it even work? I’m away for weeks at a time, and the only place I have is a small apartment near to HQ because I haven’t had time to even start the work that needs to be done on the house - have I told you about the house? It’s been in the family for generations, Phoebe gave it to me and I adore it, but it needs so much work and time and deserves more than I can give it. As most things seem to._
> 
> _Goodness, Miral looks so big already, she was such a tiny thing when she arrived. I’m a little envious you got to hold her again, I fear that by the time I’m able to take some leave to go see them, she’ll be too big to be held like that. I can see why she stopped crying though, it looks comfortable, you’re clearly a natural._
> 
> _These last few weeks I’ve missed our dinners. You’ll have to let me know when you’re in San Francisco next, I’ll make some time. They might keep me busy but you don’t have to commit to looking after my dog to convince me to see you._
> 
> _I’m being sent back out on the Valiant for a three week mission in a couple of days. My ability to reply might be a bit sporadic, we’re going to the Vindan Satellite Core - the one that degraded a few years ago - it’s started to emit radiation that’s interfering with telemetry and communications._
> 
> _Kathryn_
> 
> _P.S._
> 
> _The second batch of coffee you sent me has already mysteriously...vanished..._

When she went to board the Valiant two days later, there was a package waiting for her, containing coffee. 

> _Kathryn,_
> 
> _It’s no imposition, in all honesty I’m excited about it already. You say that I’m too generous with myself, but really it’s you being too used to denying yourself. What do you say captain, want to adopt a dog with me? When you get back from your mission we could have that dinner and go pick her up, you’re not the only one that’s been missing them._
> 
> _The house is beautiful, don’t give up on it, if anyone can work out a way to squeeze it all in, it's you. The porch is falling apart, but imagine how beautiful it would look with a redwood deck - one that actually looks like it could hold you up - with that tree beside it, half would be in dappled sunlight for most the day. You can’t give up on that._
> 
> _Tom and B’Elanna asked after you, they’d love for you to come and visit, they just don’t want to pressure you because they know you’re busy, but everyone misses their captain. Let me know if you go, I want to see which one of us she prefers, seeing how good you are with your nephew, not to mention Naomi when she was a baby._
> 
> _I’ve never disliked a broken satellite network more, get home safe._
> 
> _Chakotay_

The message fought its way through the interference before most of the official communications managed it and it made Kathryn smile; they had learned a thing or two about cutting through interference in the Delta Quadrant. 

After reading it she hugged the datapad to her chest, and wondered if this was going to hurt or heal.

\----------

> _Dear Chakotay,_
> 
> _Do you really mean it? I don’t want to put you out but there is nothing I want more, but you really can say no if you were just being your usual kind self. We can go to dinner when I get back no matter what you decide, my treat - I certainly owe you for all the lovely things you’ve been sending me from your travels - what_ were _those chocolates?_
> 
> _Oh don’t make things even harder than they already are with that house. Half the windows are shattered - and yes, of course I’ve imagined replacing them with big floor to ceiling ones that would flood the sitting room with natural light, you know I have. Stop dangling carrots. If you really mean it about Autumn then I will enquire about an apartment in the city closer to one of the big parks, but it would take me a decade to do up that house with all the free time I have for it. I should probably sell it, I just can’t bear it just yet._
> 
> _I miss them too, I miss all the crew, every last one of them, even the ones I still talk to all the time. More than you can imagine._
> 
> _Taking your dislike into account, we’ve decided to destroy the degrading network to prevent future interferences, it shan’t trouble us again._
> 
> _Are you free on August 7th? I get back on the 6th and have a few days off, there is a little restaurant I used to frequent as a cadet that does the most sublime pecan pie, I think you’d like it._
> 
> _Kathryn_

> _Kathryn,_
> 
> _Do you mean Angelo’s? I used to be a fixture there as a cadet too, funny to think we might have just been tables away from each other more than once, how different things might have been if we’d met earlier._
> 
> _The pecan pie is delicious, but I’m going to make you try the Andoran Strawberry Parfait if it’s still on the menu. I’d say we can share but I’ve seen you with desserts - maybe we should order two of each. Or one of everything and really share, there is probably a whole new menu for us to explore - and we are explorers first and foremost of course._
> 
> _Floor to ceiling windows. Hard wood floors, and old fashioned fireplace. I saw most of your holoprograms, I know this is your dream house, can’t fool me._
> 
> _I’ll see you on the 7th, we can stop missing each other for a bit. Seven misses you too, though she has a hard time articulating it, I thought when we get back from picking up Autumn we could go somewhere, all three of us. I know she could come to Angelo’s with us, but call me selfish, I want you to myself for a bit, sometimes you two go so fast it’s hard for mere mortals to keep up._
> 
> _I can’t wait,_
> 
> _Chakotay_
> 
> _P.S. I bought a few things for Autumn…_

There were twenty images attached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still enjoying! Chapter four should appear either by or on the weekend <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was pointed out to me in the comments that janeway’s sister was given a name in one of the novels - none of which i have read - so I have changed her name from Amelia to Phoebe (✿◠‿◠)

Her new apartment was a little bigger than the last one, and close enough to the park that she could see it from the window. It was a beautiful view, but she wasn’t looking out the window right now, her eyes trained instead on Chakotay wandering around her apartment with a puppy tucked in one of his arms. 

“Look Autumn, she’s put a basket for you in here too but we know she’s going to let you snooze on her bed really,” Chakotay grinned, poking their heads into Kathryn’s bedroom, making her grateful for her generally tidy nature. 

“Well it’s going to be difficult for me to convince her she isn’t allowed when I know you let her on yours,” Kathryn replied. “Seven told me.”

“She’s got a spy on the inside, Autumn,” Chakotay laughed, scratching behind the puppy’s ears. “My plan to be your favourite by sleeping arrangement has been scuppered.”

“I’m sure you’ll be her favourite anyway,” Kathryn replied with a laugh. “Though I’m not above a few dirty tricks of my own.”

“I don’t know. The competition seems pretty tough from where I’m standing,” Chakotay said before setting Autumn down on the floor and letting her explore for herself. “So, four days until you’re back on the Valiant, shall I pick her up again at the _very_ last minute?”

“Are you sure you really don’t mind doing this?”

“That isn’t what I asked, you know,” Chakotay smiled at her, and Kathryn bit her lip, unable - and unwilling - to suppress her own happy smile. 

“How about a little before the last minute, we could have dinner. Make a new tradition of it.”

“Replace weekly dinners in your quarters with puppy-hand over dinners? Sounds good to me, but only so long as I get to cook.”

“I’ll try not to take that personally,” Kathryn slapped at his shoulder lightly, only to have her hand caught in his larger one and pressed to his chest, the thud of his heart under her fingertips. 

“Kathryn, captain. O Captain, my Kathryn. I would follow you anywhere, but not into the kitchen,” he declared, laughing as he ducked her other hand coming around to swipe at him, masking the clench of her heart. 

“Insubordination.”

“I’m sorry, but you do have a habit of burning things. I’m happy to leave you in control of the wine, though.”

“Alright then. Never let it be said I don’t know when to delegate,” she conceded, realising how close they were standing when she looked up, caught in his orbit as she often felt. 

Their laughter tapered off and she felt hyper-aware of the way their hands were touching, the thump of his heart, wondering if she was imagining the way it had sped up - probably, it was probably just her own she was feeling. He was looking at her, soft eyes, a deep expression. They had moved to the steps of this dance before, many times, and just like all those times before, one of them smiled and turned away. Before it had always been her, but this time it was Chakotay. He squeezed her fingers and chuckled, breaking their eye contact and taking a step back, and she righted herself quickly, scooping up Autumn to have something to do with her hands - her attention. 

“I should get going. I’ll come by Friday at about six?” He said, heading towards the door. 

“If you let me know what you need I’ll get the ingredients in,” Kathryn offered, carrying Autumn to the door with her. Chakotay nodded.

“Alright then. See you Friday,” he said smiling at Kathryn before stroking Autumn’s head, the puppy easily nuzzling into his hand. “Though you do make it terribly difficult to leave.”

 _Don’t then_ , Kathryn thought, one of the more ridiculous fleeting thoughts she’d had in a while. Instead she bid him goodbye, lifting up Autumn’s paw so they could both wave. The door slid shut behind him and she sighed, stroking one hand over Autumn’s little furry back. 

“We’re going to have to get used to him leaving,” she said. “Still, better than him not being here at all, wouldn’t you agree.” Autumn licked her nose in response, which Kathryn interpreted as clear agreement. 

She spent most of the day following Autumn around the apartment as she explored, and lasted only a few seconds with her resolve not to let the puppy on the couch - brown eyes had been a weakness of hers for a while. 

Having the dog around made her feel immediately better, she wouldn’t be the admiral. Even dealing with the way she felt about Chakotay seemed easier now, because at the very least she wasn’t spending her days on earth on her own in a lonely apartment. In fact she had a busy few days ahead of her, Tuvok was on planet and had expressed a desire to see her - she spoke Tuvok well enough to know it was his way of saying he missed her. 

She had also been invited to judge a science fair at her old high school. She had the suspicion they were just taking a chance, and hadn’t expected her to actually respond, but it seemed like providence that it had coincided with some of her down time on earth, and she had accepted. She was also taking some time to drop by the house while she was in Indiana and try to really gauge just how much work the place needed. 

After that, back in the city, The Doctor was holding some kind of party - his soirées were becoming a little notorious, and she felt it was high time she experienced one for herself. All of these plans were entirely dependent on her being allowed to bring Autumn along with her, but unsurprisingly there had been no resistance to her plus one. 

All in all she felt more like herself than she had since Voyager had touched down. 

\----------

“Reporting for duty, captain.” 

Kathryn had been going over the final flight checks with her chief engineer when the voice made Kathryn whirl around on the spot in disbelief.

“Seven!” Kathryn greeted, pulling her friend into a hug that she returned more easily than she would have just a few months ago. 

“Hello captain.”

“Chakotay didn’t tell me you were coming back to Starfleet,” she said, feeling her face splitting with her smile. 

“We thought you might appreciate the surprise,” Seven replied. She looked good, happier in her skin, and carried a slight tan from their summer travels across America. 

“You thought right. Where are you going to be stationed?”

“With you,” Seven said, cocking her head to the side ever so slightly. Kathryn had thought that reporting for duty had been a figure of speech, but really, she should know better than that where Seven was concerned. “I asked to be placed with you, if at all possible. My request was accepted, although I will only be with you on some missions, my expertise has been requested in Starfleet Astrometrics also.”

“Well, I’ll take whatever I can get,” she replied, trying to keep her happiness at an outward level permissible for dignified captains, but in truth, she was almost bursting at the seams. She had known that in time, she would probably get a handful of her crew back under her wing, but to have someone back so soon, and someone who meant so much to her at that, was more than she had dared hope for. “Lieutenant, mind if I leave the last few checks with you? I’ve got a tour to give.” She smiled at her chief engineer who agreed easily. 

“I have already familiarised myself with the ship layout,” Seven said as Kathryn led the way inside. 

“That’s no substitute for a tour, how else will you know which doors are sticky and which jeffries tubes are murder on the knees?”

“I defer to your judgement, captain,” Seven answered, an almost imperceptible wry smile to her lips. 

They talked easily as Kathryn showed her the ship, Seven making her usual comments about improving efficiency with this alteration or that upgrade, and Kathryn regretting not being able to give her carte blanche to do as she pleased - so close to HQ, Starfleet was a little more picky about modifications being made to their ships. 

It was comforting to hear Seven’s voice other the comms, reporting her station ready as they departed from spacedock, and Kathryn smiled the entire way to the Colian system - an area of space they had previously been unable to fully map, but a few months ago the system had joined the Federation, after years of negotiations. 

Kathryn found herself in astrometrics more than was strictly needed, pouring over some of their findings as she and Seven talked in a shorthand Chakotay teased them both for when he heard it. 

Still not the most natural at integrating herself with new people, Seven sat down with her for dinner most evenings in the mess hall. On their last day on mission, Seven was staring out of the window in Kathryn’s ready room - small than the one on Voyager, but most things on the Valiant were smaller - with more of a wistful expression than was usual for her. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Kathryn asked, taking a sip of her coffee - one of the blends Chakotay had sent her, she had shared a little with Seven, being amused enough by her nose scrunched up in disgust at the taste not to worry about the precious wasted beans. 

“It is irrational, but I find myself missing Voyager,” Seven frowned, putting down the mug and taking a long sip of water instead. 

“I miss her too,” Kathryn replied, getting Seven a drink from the replicator along with her own coffee. “It isn’t irrational, it’s human. She was home, for a long time, and we all thought she would be for most of our lives. There’s a comfort in familiarity, and we had a lot of happy memories there.” More for Seven than most, she still barely remembered her life before the Borg, every one of her happy memories before landing on earth were from that ship.

“Do you think Voyager will be decommissioned?” 

“I’m not sure, but I certainly hope not. I don’t like the idea of her becoming a museum just yet.”

“I hope not too,” Seven agreed, but her fingers were fidgeting with her glass, out of character for her, and with no small amount of concern, she knocked her boot gently against Seven’s shin. 

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

“I...Things have been difficult, since our return. I didn’t realise how heavily I still relied on routine. I am finding it difficult to adapt.”

“I don’t know, you look more comfortable than I’ve ever seen you - maybe not in this particular moment, but in general,” Kathryn reassured.

“It is easier on a ship with you. But my days on earth can be so unstructured, and the commander - Chakotay, I mean - he talks about things I am not sure I am ready for,” Seven admitted, and Kathryn put down her mug, leaning forward to listen to Seven more closely, and closing off the part of herself that was something other than Seven’s friend, just like she had when she’d first found out about her relationship with Chakotay. “On Voyager, things were slow, it was easier for me to adjust.”

Kathryn thought about what Seven was trying to say, she didn’t lack the vocabulary to say what she meant, but she still struggled with expressing more emotional concepts. Their relationship was new, the admiral had told her as much, as had Chakotay himself since. They had essentially jumped from their third date into a prolonged holiday together around North America. Chakotay had met the aunt Seven barely remembered herself, and Seven had been introduced to his mother. 

“We landed and you started moving at warp speed,” Kathryn replied gently, after living together for so long on Voyager, it was easy to forget that some things were still new, that new dimensions to relationships still deserved to be discovered slowly. 

“An apt metaphor,” Seven replied, inclining her head. “He was very excited for me to meet his mother and sister, but I did not know what to say and fear I made it awkward.”

“No one knows what to say when they meet the family, it’s normal,” Kathryn reassured. Seven had other friends from the ship, a part of her wished she would take these problems to them, but she would never deny her the ear she had promised Seven she would always have, if she wanted it. 

“Perhaps. Chakotay has expressed an interest in living somewhere rural, but I wish to live closer to Starfleet,” Seven explained, and Kathryn held back an ironic smile; she wanted to live somewhere rural, but found herself tied to Starfleet and unable to find the time for the upkeep, Seven had what she needed to live in the country, and longed for the city.

“With transporter technology you can get back to HQ in seconds.”

“I find the countryside too quiet, it’s disconcerting,” Seven answered, and Kathryn remembered how hard Seven had found it - the quiet - when she had first been disconnected from the hive, alone in her own mind. 

“I understand, and Chakotay will too.”

“I feel as though I am letting him down. It is...an undesirable sensation.”

“Talk to him, Seven, he would never want you to be uncomfortable. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re letting him down, and to not want that, but it’s your life too, and a relationship is about you both being happy, and finding solutions together,” she replied, relieved when Seven nodded and moved on to a different subject. 

She forced herself to hope that they were able to work out their communication problems, not liking what it would say about herself to hope for something else. 

\----------

Kathryn’s cheeks felt sore and her abdomen ached from how much she was laughing, practically doubled over on her couch trying not to spit out her wine as Chakotay was also losing all his composure on the other side of the couch. Between them Autumn was getting very excited about all the noise and barking at them both, bouncing her little paws on Kathryn’s leg. 

“Give it up Kathryn, you’re never swallowing that wine,” Chakotay said around his own laughs as Kathryn tried not to inhale it and also find some way to breathe. Eventually, after slapping Chakotay’s leg to get him to shut up, she triumphed. “I never should have underestimated you.”

“You are a cruel man,” Kathryn chided, she knew her face was red from laughing and took some deep breaths to try and center herself, only to burst back into laughter when Chakotay gave her a faux-innocent look, that clearly said: _‘Who? Me?’_. “Oh, I’ve not laughed like that in far too long.”

“A shame really, it lights you up.”

“But that story can’t be true,” she said, not wanting to let herself linger on what he had said. Knowing what she would read into the friendly compliment if given the chance. 

“It is! You know how quickly things escalate with ferengi.”

“Yes but a food fight, really?”

“You’re saying you can’t imagine Quark throwing a radish at someone who insulted his wares?”

“...alright, I can. But soup?” 

“I believe it was all he had to hand,” he chuckled, setting down his wine glass as Autumn clambered into his lap looking for attention that he readily gave. Kathryn could watch them together all day, she felt warm from the dinner he had cooked and the wine and his company, and wondered if it would be bad to just curl up in the moment and go to sleep before she had to watch him leave. She knew he wouldn’t wake her, that he would pull a blanket over her and make sure she was comfortable, just like he always had when she fell asleep out of her bed on Voyager. 

“How was Taris IX?” He asked after a lull of silence, voice quieter, as if not to disturb their pace. 

“Oh you know, more phaser fire than I’ve seen since we got back, but still nothing on the Delta Quadrant,” she replied, referring to the Valiant’s last excursion - one that became far more hostile than expected. 

“Seven told me you were hurt.”

“It was nothing. A light singeing,” she replied with a wry smile.

“Coming from the woman who once walked around for a week with a broken arm before telling anyone, I’m not sure I believe you,” Chakotay replied, looking at Autumn instead of Kathryn, rubbing the puppy’s belly as she wiggled around on her back. He looked like he belonged there, but really, she had no one to blame but herself for the fact that he wasn’t. Seven hadn’t brought up their problems again, and she seemed happy, so she could only assume they were back on track. 

“You know I wouldn’t normally do that. Things were dire, I didn’t want any resources spent on me that could have been saved for the crew,” she protested, Chakotay shook his head. 

“You deserve things too, you know.”

“It really was only superficial,” she replied, holding out her arm and pointing to the entirely unblemished patch on her forearm that had been burned. “See, all healed.” Chakotay toko her arm and ran his thumb over her skin before he seemed satisfied. 

“Good,” he smiled at her, letting go of her arm as Autumn yipped at him, disgruntled to have lost her belly rub. “You have become terribly needy,” he said to the dog.

“You spoil her, that’s why,” Kathryn replied, finishing the last of her wine and pouring them both a fresh glass. 

“I do. But so do you. I’ve seen those luxury brand treats you have in your cupboard,” he teased, Kathryn shrugged. 

“Why have a dog if you aren’t going to spoil her rotten.”

“Couldn’t agree more. You know, the house in Indiana would spoil her more. Have you made any progress?” He asked, and Kathryn sighed. She had made progress, she’d spoken to a realtor and hated every second of it. At the mention of what a nice spot it would make for developing apartment blocks if they demolished everything currently standing she had made an excuse and hung up the communicator. “Well that isn’t a happy face.”

“I can’t keep it. I just don’t have time. If it were already in living condition then it would be perfect, but the time it would need to get it to that point, with how little time I have, it would take me years to make it livable. I don’t really have a choice but to sell it.”

“What about hiring people to do it for you?” 

“They don’t know what I like. I don’t want to live somewhere that only manages to be an echo of what it could have been. How would they know what wood to use, how to decorate the walls, what drapes to pick, and they couldn’t ask me if I’m in deep space. What if they scrubbed off the little marks on the kitchen door frame, marking my and my sister’s height from summer to summer?”

“If you sell it, then those marks will definitely be painted over,” Chakotay pointed out. She couldn’t read his expression for the first time in years and it left her feeling adrift, looking down at her wine glass. 

“You know what I mean.”

“I do,” he admitted, and it brought a sad smile to her lips; he always knew what she meant. Unsure if she was glad or regretful that there seemed to be one area where he couldn’t read her at all. 

“I spoke to a realtor, but she started talking about block developments and I had to hang up,” she admitted, unsure why she was still talking about it, when she was so clearly letting Chakotay down by giving up on her house. But it was better this way, easier to let go of something earlier, than to let it linger on for years - that was how she’d wound up where she was not, wasn’t it?

“Good choice. Maybe give it some time.”

“If anything I’m only going to get busier with time,” Kathryn replied, smiling as Autumn waddled over cushions to come put her paws up on her knee instead, little tail wagging with a fury that made her whole body move as Kathryn scritched under her chin. 

“If you give the house some time, maybe it’ll be easier letting it go, time heals all wounds, or so I’m told,” Chakotay said, taking another sip from his wine. The throw over the back of the couch was one that he’d sent her, bought during his travels with Seven. 

“Still waiting on some?” She asked, aiming for a joke and not quite hitting her mark, though he smiled softly at her anyway. “I’ve not spent any time at that house for nearly a decade, I’m not sure if time is the problem.”

“Maybe not, but it hasn’t been so long since the possibility of living there was presented to you,” Chakotay said. He was right, of course, she might not have spent a summer there for far too long, but a few months was a short time to gain and lose a dream. She almost wished her sister had never given her the keys in the first place, but only almost.

“You always were wiser than me,” Kathryn replied, getting a more genuinely quirk of Chakotay’s lips in response this time. 

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” he said, a twinkle in his eye that told Kathryn he was remembering some of the more questionable things he had done over the years. “Do you want to be busier?” He asked after a few moments of silence, a pensive look on his face. 

“What?”

“You said just now that you were probably going to get more busy not less. I was just wondering if that was what you wanted. Or if you’d really given any thought to what you wanted,” he explained, seeing right through to Kathryn’s core as he often did. 

She fidgeted a little where she sat, rearranging her legs and inviting Autumn into her lap, encouraging the puppy to try and catch her fingers. She felt like she gave what she wanted far too much space in her mind these days, but in truth, she hadn’t even paused to think about how she felt about being kept so busy by Starfleet. It was just a fact of her life. 

“It’s just how it is,” she answered, feeling how lacking it was as an answer - as a life - as soon as she said it, and trying to ward off the embarrassment that chased the feeling. 

“I think,” Chakotay said in his usual kind voice, “that on Voyager, your job and your life were the same thing. More than for the rest of us, and they had to be. You had to be our captain all the time, you were never really off duty, even when you were sleeping, or on the holodeck. So much so that you forgot, when we got back here, that Starfleet is your job, it doesn’t have to be your entire life anymore.”

“I love my job,” Kathryn said, disliking how unsure she felt over something she was entirely sure about. She was a scientist, an explorer, a leader; and she adored the job that let her be all of those things at once. 

“I know you do, and no one does it better. But you also love gardening, you love velocity and tennis, you love your nephew, and Autumn, you love sculpting, you love going on long rambling walks to nowhere, you love the lake.”

 _I love you_ Kathryn thought, her jaw tensing as she kept her mouth shut, looking into Autumn’s brown eyes, to make it easier. So that if it slipped out, she might have been talking to the dog. She neither flinched nor sank into the touch, when a familiar hand came to rest on her shoulder. 

“It’s okay to want to make time for those things too. It’s okay to tell Starfleet ‘no’, sometimes.”

“All this wisdom in one evening,” she smiled, voice light as she tried to ease the sudden heavy atmosphere in her apartment, she was relieved when Chakotay let her, his eyes flicking to the clock on the wall. 

“An evening that is rapidly turning into night. I should get going. Thank you for dinner,” he said, heaving himself up from the couch and stretching. 

“You cooked it,” she replied, smiling with genuinely amusement as Chakotay shrugged. 

“You bought the wine.”

“A priceless contribution.”

“I thought so,” he agreed, and just like that they were laughing again. 

She said her goodbyes to Autumn, cuddling her close and clipping her leash to her collar as they neared the door. 

“I’ll see you soon Kathryn, have a good night and a safe mission. And please, think about what I said, about Starfleet,” he added, giving her one last smile as he headed out the door. 

The apartment was suddenly silent, and Kathryn wondered how much worse that quiet would be after Chakotay went home, if she didn’t have somewhere to be at 6am the next morning to steal away her thoughts and attention. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still enjoying, all of your lovely comments have been making me smile and check my emails excessively <3
> 
> Next chapter should appear on the weekend!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has appeared swifter than I thought it would, I do love it when chapters practically write themselves (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> I hope you enjoy! <3

“What is this? It’s delicious,” Kathryn asked, taking another bite from her plate as Chakotay’s eyes sparkled at her from across the table. 

“That would be telling,” Chakotay replied, looking smug. Kathryn kicked him gently - not much more than a tap of her foot against his shin - under the table and scowled at him, he laughed. “You’ve got to let me have some secrets. But I promise to make it for you again one day.”

“You already keep the coffee a secret,” she grumbled, not that she would be able to make the meal Chakotay had prepared for them, seemingly more familiar with her kitchen than she was at this point. 

“And have you had a shortage?”

“...no,” she admitted, he kept her well supplied, throwing in the occasional tea blend, which she appreciated just as much. There was less of a dire need for coffee when you weren’t on duty all the time, but it was still heavenly. 

“Well then,” he replied, taking a sip of the wine, a rich red. “Wait until you taste dessert.”

“You’ve kept it well hidden,” she observed, he had brought it with him this time, hidden under a tea towel as he stashed in her mostly empty fridge. 

“I was worried you’d try to skip dinner if you saw it.”

“Oh my hopes are high now Chakotay,” she teased, but he looked nothing but confident.

It was a coffee cheesecake, which she was almost certain had been made using one of her favourite blends of coffee, the nutty kick to it giving it away. She wondered how long it had taken him to make, and decided it was best not to ask, lest her imagination run away with her at his answer. She made an undignified noise as she took a bite and he chuckled at her, face warm. 

“Tasty?”

“Careful Chakotay,” she started, pausing before her next bite. “I might never let you leave my kitchen again.” 

He laughed, eyes twinkling, and offered her another slice. 

\-----------

“Just give it a few months, there’s no harm in waiting,” Chakotay said, and Kathryn looked at him, the living example in her life of just how much harm waiting could do. But Chakotay wasn’t a house, although she longed for him to be home. 

“I don’t know Chakotay,” Kathryn sighed. “A part of me just wants to get it over with.” 

“But you’d never forgive yourself if you regretted it later,” he replied, and she couldn’t deny that it was true. Selling the old Janeway house wasn’t something she would be able to undo once it was done - once it was demolished and turned into apartments. 

“Alright,” she gave in easily, as she often did where he was concerned, and he smiled at her; it made it easy to believe it was the right decision. “I’ll give it six months.”

“Deal,” he smiled. “But don’t do anything without telling me.”

“I’m not your captain anymore. No more unilateral decisions from me,” she replied. “Although it is my house.”

“You’ll always be my captain,” Chakotay said, like he had months ago at the party, and she managed a faint smile before going back to her meal. 

\-----------

“We won’t be able to do this soon, it’s getting chillier,” Chakotay observed as they sat down to eat outside, one of their rare excursions to a restaurant instead of Kathryn’s apartment. “Here,” he added, sliding off his jacket and passing it to her. 

“Very thoughtful, but it’s my own fault, I should have checked the temperature before leaving,” Kathryn tried to refuse, Chakotay just smiled at her and continued to hold out his jacket. Goosebumps were rising on her arms and eventually she relented. “Thank you. But if you want it back, just say.”

“I don’t get cold very easily,” he replied and she believed it, he had always been a warm presence by her side. “It’s worth it to be outside though.”

They were at a little bistro they both liked near the pier, looking out at the beach as the late sun glinted off the water, in half an hour or so, there would be a beautiful sunset as the backdrop to their meal.

“I think sunsets were one of the things I missed the most, living on a starship for so long, yet my entire life on earth I don’t think I paid them much attention,” Chakotay said, looking out at the sea. “I didn’t appreciate it until it was gone.” He seemed melancholy and Kathryn was keen to push away any heaviness from his shoulders, he deserved to be happy, to have the easy life he had started to dream of after such a lively time on voyager. When he had stopped being that angry warrior.

“I remember when I was younger, I snuck out with an early boyfriend of mine, and sailed us out just before sunset, and we watched it from the deck. It was beautiful, we stayed out all night so that we could see the sun rise as well, there’s nothing like it on the open ocean. It’s cold but there is something so warming about seeing the sun dip and rise at the horizon. Well worth the trouble we got in when we finally made it back to shore.”

“Sounds like a beautiful experience,” Chakotay smiled, watching her instead of the sea now. “You can sail?”

“I could, once upon a time. I think I’d need a refresher or two before captaining a sailboat now.”

“Perhaps you should. We could see that sunrise and sunset, make up for all the ones I missed.”

“I’d like that,” Kathryn said softly, even though she knew it would be a bad idea for her heart. They shared a quiet moment that began to stretch out, broken only when Autumn barked at the sausage being brought out for her dinner. 

\-----------

“What is that smell?” Kathryn asked, following her nose into her small kitchen, where Chakotay was moving around easily, reaching for a pan in one of her cupboards that she was certain hadn’t been there a month ago. 

“Secret ingredient,” Chakotay grinned, stirring a pot with one hand and dropping a slice of butter into a pan with the other. “Brings a really rich flavour, and it makes the sauce more full-bodied.”

“Oh we have secret ingredients now, do we? Was secret coffee and secret recipes not enough?” 

“If you think about it, all the ingredients in a secret recipe must be secret too.”

“Not necessarily, I knew everything that was in dinner two weeks ago, but I certainly couldn’t have recreated it,” Kathryn pointed out, she was less hopeless than she had been, but her skills still didn’t extend much beyond making a mean omelette - and a badly folded omelette at that. 

“Well this one is a family recipe, all the best family recipes have a secret ingredient,” Chakoay replied, sprinkling something into the pot, it was in an unmarked jar and she had a suspicion it was the secret ingredient in question. Chakotay laughed and whisked it into her pocket when he saw her. 

“The jar didn’t say anything anyway,” she pretended to sulk, which made Chakotay laugh a little more, a sound she enjoyed having in her apartment. 

“Why don’t you try to guess what it is?” Chakotay suggested, holding up a wooden spoon with some of the sauce on it, an affectionate challenge in his eye.

“Alright,” she agreed, amused, and stepped into his space. 

He didn’t hand over the spoon, instead holding it up to her lips and offering her a sip, leaving them close enough together to distract her from what she was doing and distinguishing the flavours. It was delicious and rich, just as he had promised, with a spicy edge to it she hadn’t expected. She looked up and there was so little distance between them she felt trapped, though not in a bad way, despite the way her heart was rabbiting. 

Chakotay smiled at her and wiped a stray bit of sauce from the corner of her mouth.

“Any guesses?” He asked, not moving back, voice soft enough that the low music Kathryn had put on in the living room was audible. 

She had no idea what the secret ingredient was, she had no idea what any of the ingredients were. She barely knew what her own name was. But somehow she found the ability to smile and shake her head, taking a step back. She had been talking with Seven about warp coils just two days ago. 

“Haven’t a clue, I guess it will have to remain a mystery,” Kathryn said, as a new kind of guilt started to creep into the periphery of her mind. 

\-----------

“I have a contribution to tonight's dinner,” Kathryn said as she opened the door to let Chakotay in, Autumn barking and spinning around at his feet in excitement. 

“More than the wine?” 

“More than the wine, though I think I have found a particularly good vintage this time,” she replied, leading Chakotay over to her balcony, and the small planter she had there. “Think you can incorporate some tomatoes?” 

“These look great,” Chakotay said, holding Autumn back from interfering as he crouched down to inspect the offerings. “I can definitely use these tonight.”

“I was hoping so, though it would have been easier if you ever told me what you were making these days. You used to let me buy the groceries.”

“I like to surprise you,” Chakotay replied with a wink as he started picking the tomatoes carefully from the plant. “Been making time for a little gardening?” 

“Just a little,” Kathryn replied, feeling the chill of the open balcony door chased away so easily by his answering smile.

Chakotay cooked the tomatoes around the chicken while Kathryn watched eagerly, asking far too many questions about how or why he was doing things and barely understanding the answers - quantum mechanics was far easier. 

“Maybe we should have stuck you in the galley all those years,” Kathryn joked as she finished her last bite of dinner. 

“You would have broken Neelix’s heart.”

“And I couldn’t have spared you from my side,” she said, and their shared a quiet pause, Chakotay running one finger around the rim of his wine glass. 

“Well, you get some of the credit for this one. Homegrown food is always more vibrant.”

“I didn’t do anything. Just put some seeds in a box a while ago.”

“Kathryn,” he said chiding and fond, and she softened. 

“Thank you,” she answered. “I’ll try growing something else next, what do you think?”

“I think we’ll be an unstoppable team all over again.”

\-----------

“I’m going to ruin it,” she protested, no idea what she was doing, even with Chakotay’s close instruction and guidance. 

“No you’re not. Have a little faith Kathryn, just turn it on it’s side to fry the next edge,” he instructed. She could feel the amusement rolling off of him in waves as she floundered with the spatula, nearly shoving the food out of the pan, before getting it to turn over. 

“Ah-ha!”

“Good, but you’ve already fried that side, might get a bit burnt if you do it again,” he said, close behind her, watching over her shoulder to avoid dinner being scalded. He was close, and she tried not to focus on it. 

“Oh hell,” she scowled at the offending Bajoran phase eleuth she was trying to cook evenly. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure, just turn it over.”

“Oh like that’s so easy,” she muttered, but did manage to conquer the maneuver quicker this time. 

“See, you’re already improving. Now, you want to crack an egg over the eleuth, let it fry for a few seconds while you add in the oil, and then you need to stir while sprinkling in the spices,”

“Chakotay, that is significantly harder than turning it over, and I struggled with  _ that _ ,” Kathryn pointed out. “You should take over, I don’t want us to go hungry. I’m not sure I've ever successfully cracked an egg without sending as much shell as egg into the food.”

“How about we do it together? We usually have a lot of success that way.”

“Alright,” Kathryn replied, not understanding what she was agreeing to until Chakotay stepped closer behind her, arms coming around hers as he picked up an egg and placed it in her hand, his own hands then moving to cover hers, guiding her actions. 

“Now the trick to cracking an egg, it to be firmer than you think you need to be. A clean cut it best. Ready?” He asked, and she nodded, feeling helpless, feeling like she wanted to escape this moment and live in it at the same time. 

Guiding her hands with his, they cracked the egg on the side of the saucepan, and with his fingers over hers, showed her how to seamlessly open it, and have the egg fall cleanly into the pan, covering the eleuth completely. 

“Now do you want oil, spices or stirring?”

“Stirring seems safest,” she replied, proud of how steady her voice was. 

Chakotay chuckled and let go of Kathryn to reach for what he needed. He didn’t move from behind her, working around her as he splashed in the oil and sprinkled in the rich spices. She started stirring to distract herself, startling a little but relaxing almost instantly when his arms came back around her. 

“A little gentler, we don't want to separate the eleuth into strips just yet,” he said, slowing her movements and lingering after she had found the right rhythm.

After a few moments, he stepped back, hands slipping away from her as he left her to stir, she didn’t realise how close he still was, feeling bereft of his touch, until she turned around and found just a few scarce inches between them. He wasn’t smiling when her eyes flicked up to his face, it was one of the few expressions of his that she couldn’t read, and she saw it more and more often, but it was soft and it was contemplative.

They stayed like that longer than they should have, locked together, these moments happening more and more. Kathryn turned away with a smile she didn’t feel and a forced huff of laughter when the corner of her eye caught on the picture of Seven and Icheb attached to her fridge. She didn’t catch the expression that flickered over Chakotay’s face, and didn’t dare risk another look. 

“So, what’s next?”

\-----------

She should have cancelled their dinner really, she was exhausted, barely back home from a three day mission that had involved very little in the way of sleep when the door was opening and Chakotay was coming through - her door long since programmed to let him in - and Autumn was running up to greet her. 

“Hello my sweet,” she said, immediately yawning as she dared to open her mouth to speak. “Sorry.”

“We can do this another night, if you need rest?”

“And miss out on whatever you have in that bag, not on your life,” Kathryn replied, not sure if she even had any food in the house for herself, she planned to get some groceries tomorrow. 

“Okay then, but how about instead of helping me cook you have a nap. I’ll be terribly offended if you fall asleep in my dinner,” he suggested, and Kathryn was going to protest, thinking it rude to leave him cooking her dinner in a house that wasn’t even his, when another yawn overtook her and she nodded assent instead.

“Wow, you really must be tired,” he grinned.

“Three days is a long time to be mostly awake,” Kathryn mumbled, setting down on her couch with Autumn, asleep almost instantly. 

She was woken a little while later, by a hand squeezing her shoulder, and an enticing smell, fluttering her eyes open to find a plate of dinner being set down on her coffee table. The throw blanket had been draped over her. 

“Why don’t we eat here today, instead of at the table?”

“As I’m disinclined to move very much I think I agree,” Kathryn replied, managing to get herself upright with a herculean effort. “I did get us some wine before I left, it should be in the fridge,” she said, taking the plate Chakotay offered her. 

He came back with the bottle and two glasses, filling them before fetching his own plate and settling down beside her. It wasn’t a large couch, more of a loveseat if anything, and it was nice, in her simple, sleepy state, to feel his leg pressing up against hers as they ate in a companionable silence, one she only broken near the end of their meal, when she caught Chakotay yawning too. 

“I see I’m not the only one,” she commented, looking more closely now, and seeing the telltale signs of fatigue touching the corners of Chakotay’s eyes too. “Busy day?”

“Busy few months,” he replied. “But worth it,” he added, offering her a warm, tired smile. Another day she might have pressed, but it was taking all of her willpower to finish her dinner before collapsing. 

They put their plates down, finished their wine - stronger than she had realised when she bought it, or maybe just metabolising particularly slowly because of their shared exhaustion - and rested on the couch together. They should have known better really, it only took a few minutes for them to fall asleep, unconsciously leaning towards each other. 

They were woken by the sun, Kathryn finding herself with her head pillowed on Chakotay’s chest, held by one of his arms as they had curled together in their sleep, feeling more well rested than she had in weeks. Chakotay’s voice was rough with sleep, and she excused herself to the bathroom to brush her teeth, where really she sat down, took deep breaths, and tried not to think about whether Seven wondered where Chakotay was. 

Nothing had happened, yet the presence of that thought alone felt damming. But Chakotay would never be unfaithful, he wasn’t the type and she knew it, she was the one seeing more than was there anymore. Just her heart, reading into things that weren’t there. How often had she and her best friend fallen asleep together in their twenties? More times than she could count, this shouldn’t be any different.

\-----------

“What is that lovely smell?” Chakotay asked, breathing deeply as he came into the apartment and greeted Autumn. 

“Isn’t that usually my line?” Kathryn smiled back. “They were a gift from The Doctor, he claims they have all manner of natural healing qualities, and who am I to contradict my doctor?”

“If it’s about your own health, usually the first in line,” Chakotay quipped, making his way to the kitchen, but not before he poked his head into the dining room and breathed in deeply. “I like them, they’re comforting. They smell like home.”

“Well, it felt odd to light them just for myself, so I’m glad,” she replied. “What are we cooking today?”

“Oh it’s ‘we’ now is it?” He chuckled, and over the months she had become a far more active participant in the creation of their meals, with minimal disasters. 

“Well, I did buy the wine. And we have both agreed that that is of huge importance.” 

“That we have.”

“ _ And _ , I would remind you, last time I peeled the vegetables, and you said, ‘most of the veg is still here this time.”

“It was a marked improvement from before,” he smiled easily at her, reaching around her for some plates, almost as if he were about to take her waist to dance; but of course, it was just the plates.

“Alright then sous chef, let's see if you can find the difference between a simmer and a boil,” he teased, laughing that laugh of his when she flicked him with a tea towel. When she succeeded, Chakotay spun her around in an exaggerated celebration, and for a moment, she thought he was going to kiss her before he moved quickly, to turn down the heat on one of the pans, about to ruin dinner.

She realised as food was served and the night grew dark, dimming the apartment, that she shouldn’t have lit the candles.

_ I love him _ , she thought, watching him in the warm, low light of those damn candles, that seemed to illuminate everything in her own self she would rather shy away from.  _ I need to stop this but I don’t know how _ .  _ I don’t want to. _

It was a strange feeling, to be caught between a need and a want, and find them in direct opposition to one another. She ignored them both, and thought about what vintage they could try next time; surely it was better to enjoy and be grateful for what little she had. 

\-----------

“Captain,” Seven said, entering her ready room with a datapad. “Can you look over the phase modulation of these readings. I feel close to finding a solution to return them to alignment, but it is being elusive. I thought a second set of eyes might help.”

“Of course,” Kathryn replied, taking the datapad and tapping away. Seven seemed happy, or, Seven seemed perfectly content, which was a clear sign of her happiness. “Have you tried a binary displacement?”

“Wouldn’t that simply stop the program altogether?”

“Yes, but only for a second, and it may well pull itself back together when it restarts itself.”

“And if it doesn’t?” 

“Then we cross that bridge when we come to it,” Kathryn replied, following Seven to engineering to apply the displacement code. They worked quietly and efficiently, not many people around as the night shift got underway, the Valiant safely back deep inside federation space. The displacement worked as she had hoped, and she smiled at Seven, who raised an eyebrow.

“Crude but effective.”

“You say that about our solutions a lot,” Kathryn laughed, adding in a few more commands in the hope of preventing further misalignment in the future. 

“I have found it to be the most fitting phrase for the human race as a whole,” Seven replied, and Kathryn chuckled when she recognised it for the joke it was, pleased Seven’s sense of humour was beginning to assert itself more. 

“You know, a lesser person might take offence at that, luckily I know you. Any plans for when we get back home? It’ll be at least a fortnight before the Valiant lifts off again,” Kathryn asked, she was being given a full service, one that had been booked in after she had expressed a desire to reduce her working hours to a number more reflective of that of everyone else that worked for Starfleet. It had come as a surprise to many, but she held her ground, bolstered by Chakotay’s encouragement, and they had easily agreed in the end. 

“I received an invitation from The Doctor, he asked if I would like to go with him to Europe, to see what he called ‘real culture and entertainment’, by which I think he means the Paris Opera Ballet and some art galleries in Italy,” she explained, the slightest lilt in her voice giving away how excited she was for the trip, if a little anxious.

“Ah you see, now it makes sense why Chakotay doesn’t seem to have any plans either,” she replied, thinking of how uncharacteristically evasive he had been when she had asked him whether he was busy, possibly carrying a little hurt over Seven’s holiday plans. But Seven was giving her a quizzical look.

“Why would my plans have any bearing on the commander?” She asked, Kathryn matched her confused expression. It was Seven who connected the dots faster, and clarified. “Captain, Chakotay and I have not been romantically involved for months.”

“I’m sorry?”

“We ended our entanglement shortly after I spoke to you about our relationship. There were no ‘hard feelings’, is I believe the phrase, we wanted different things,” Seven replied, and Kathryn searched for a crack in her armour, something that might show if she was putting on a brave face, but there was nothing but simple honesty.

“But if my older self was to be believed, you two were headed for matrimony,” Kathryn said, her brain working slowly to try and process what she was thinking, let alone what she was feeling.

Seven and Chakotay had broken up. But he hadn’t said anything, surely if he felt for her still, he would have. But then Kathryn knew, almost eight years of friendship wasn’t easily risked. She didn’t know what to think, felt like she couldn’t trust her own thoughts for the pull of her heart. 

“I have thought about this often. And I think perhaps that what makes two people right for each other in one situation, does not make them right for each other in every situation. But I admit I do not have much experience in these matters,” Seven answered thoughtfully while Kathryn tried not to reel from this news too obviously, wishing she had somewhere to sit. 

“That’s a very, ah, wise conclusion,” Kathryn managed, her mind running away and dissecting; they broke up, but he didn’t say anything; they broke up, but he didn’t say anything; they broke up, but he didn’t say anything.

“I am surprised he did not tell you. I thought, that is, I heard from the others- and after I was told I - ” Seven cut herself off abruptly, none of her words really sinking more than skin deep in Kathryn’s whirling mind. But Seven’s hand on her arm helped to ground her in reality, and she looked at her friend. “Chakotay has been very busy, lately. He didn’t tell you that either?”

Apparently there were a lot of things she hadn’t been told. She shook her head and Seven frowned. 

“You once counseled me to talk to Chakotay. I suggest you do the same now,” Seven said.

“I think that is good advice,” Kathryn nodded, forcing her racing, confused thoughts to a halt as best she could. 

\-----------

> _ Chakotay,  _
> 
> _ Why didn’t you tell me? Did you not think you could confide in me. You can tell me anything, I thought you knew that. _
> 
> _ Kathryn _

\-----------

> _ Kathryn _
> 
> _ I’m sorry. I know I can, but not all things are easy to say. When you’re back, come to these coordinates, it will help me to explain, and some things deserve to be said in person. _
> 
> _ Chakotay _

\-----------

She beamed to the old-style coordinates Chakotay had sent her as soon as the Valiant landed, and at first didn’t quite recognise what she was looking it, but after a few moments, she gasped, reaching out into the air in front of her, as if what she was seeing wasn’t quite real, before bringing her hand to cover her mouth as she stared.

Fifteen meters in front of her was a house, nestled in rural Indiana, close to a small lake. It had a redwood porch and the large oak tree beside it left the deck dappled in sunlight through the leaves, a sweet dog sleeping on the sturdy panels. There were huge, floor to ceiling windows on one side of the house, she could see how they caught the sun, imagine how the room beyond would be bathed in light and warmth. She knew without going inside that there would be hardwood floors, and an old fireplace. 

The door was on its hinges, and there was a man she would know anywhere coming down from the porch, wiping his hands on a cloth, stained with paint. He came to a stop in front of her, looking at the ground as he waited for her to speak.

“You didn’t have to do all this,” she said, voice somehow both light and heavy with a hundred emotions. Burning most fiercely among them, love, and a terrifying, breathtaking spark of hope that perhaps she wasn’t, and never had been alone in it. 

“No,” he said, looking up at her with every one of his feelings laid bare. “But that it made it easier to say.”

She felt as though she fell into him, and he caught her in his arms, sweeping her up in a kiss that felt electric, bursting at every seam as it tried to contain so many years of want and love and longing. His lips were softer than she had imagined, his hands firmer, his warmth blissfully familiar. 

He kissed her in the afternoon sun, outside a house in rural Indiana, while she was still wearing her Starfleet uniform; and she knew that she was home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well would you look at that (✿◠‿◠)
> 
> Just the epilogue to go now, it will be fluffy but also smutty (frankly, janeway deserves it) and shift the rating up to E, but if that isnt your cup of tea then hopefully this serves as a satisfying ending anyway <3
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I'm having a blast and your comments all make me dumb smile ♥‿♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila! It is here! It is almost 3am but it is here!
> 
> This epilogue is literally just 4k of smut. I directed way too much brain power over to thinking about what exactly I wanted their sexual dynamic to be, before deciding that personally, I think they might be the switchy-est switches to ever switch, which as a writer I found outside my norm and a lot of fun and might be tempted to have some more fun with in future writing endevours ~
> 
> Fair warning for those not familiar with my stuff that when I say explicit I really mean it (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> I hope you enjoy the epilogue!

There were so many things that needed to be said, answers that she wanted, three words that still hadn’t been said out loud by either of them, but right now his lips were on hers and he was holding her close, his hands beginning to roam, and she decided it could wait, it could all wait, because they had finally decided that _this_ couldn’t wait a second longer. 

It was almost overwhelming to have all of his attention on her, the entire universe narrowed down to all the places that they touched. His lips were demanding and she gave as good as she got, surging into Chakotay’s space with years of pent up desire. She slid her hands behind his neck, pulling him down to her as she rose up on her tiptoes at the same time that his hands moved to her sides, his hands so big on her waist that it sent a thrill chasing down her spine. 

He bit at her lower lip and she yielded her mouth easily, parting for Chakotay and moaning softly when his tongue pressed into her, his hands tightening on her waist at the noise. She wanted more, pressing her body against his, trying to get closer even though it was impossible with the amount of clothes between them. 

She felt a kind of desperation she never had before in her life, a _need_ to have his hands on her, to have skin on skin, to get him and keep him as close as he could possibly be, year of denied and suppressed want crashing over her until she felt like she had no control over herself anymore. She held him tighter, nails digging into his neck and shoulders, and he all but growled into their kiss, sending a wave of heat through her until she could feel herself beginning to get wet for him. 

Chakotay squeezed her sides again before moving his hands stroking down her back until he was palming her ass and hoisting her up in one swift, enticing move. She wrapped her legs around him without thought, both of them with a vice like grip on each other, unwilling to let go after years of refusing to reach out. He carried her to the house, their lips never untangling, and he crashed through the door inelegantly as she pressed her tongue into his mouth and devoured his taste, pulling on his short hair and biting at his lip. 

They were barely inside the house, door still wide open when he pushed her up against the wall. Later she would admire the colour he had picked out for the hallway, but now she was blind and deaf to everything but his touch and taste. With the wall for leverage she was able to grind down against him just slightly, a pulse of pure want racing through her core when he groaned, pushing her harder against the wall and rutting against her. She could feel him growing hard, his cock rubbing against her through far too many layers of clothes, including her already ruined panties. 

“Less clothes,” Kathryn managed, practically speaking the words into Chakotay’s mouth as they paused for breath, she felt his smile against her skin, pressed into the corner of her mouth. She didn’t even know if this place had a bed yet; she didn’t care, he could fuck her on the hard wood floorboards he’d picked out for them, right here in this hallway.

“Is that an order, captain?” He teased, one of his hands squeezing her ass. 

“You’re damn right,” she breathed back, swallowing his laughter as he drove in to kiss her again, shoving the light summer jacket he was wearing off his shoulders. 

Chakotay had always been strong, but the labour of the house had made him even more so, and he carried her up the stairs like she weighed nothing at all in his arms, kicking open the first door they came to. He paused when they reached the bed, pushing at each other with the passion of their kisses until he finally relinquished her mouth and dropped her onto the soft bed. 

She gasped at the slight fall, the fire in her belly flaring as she gave a little bounce and looked up, getting to see the way he was looking at her; his eyes burning, pupils so dilated with want the warm brown was engulfed in black, his mouth red from kissing her. She shuffled back just enough, opening her legs in a clear invitation, already feeling like she was drowning without his touch. He came to her as if magnetised, making space for himself between her legs and kissing her again, more fiercely than before, if that were even possible. 

“Tomorrow, I’m going to fuck you in front of the fireplace, I’m going to bath you in it’s warm light and then learn every contour of your body with my hands and my eyes and my tongue. I’m going to take you apart in every room of this house, have you on every surface, in every way I can think of, and I still won’t be sated, I’ll never had had my fill of you,” he said, voice low and dark between kisses, to her mouth, her jaw, her pulse point. 

“Tomorrow I’m going to keep you between my legs and ride you all day, until my thighs are burning and neither of us can remember where one of us ends and the other begins,” she countered, breathless, her voice strained as her hips shifted up towards him, rubbing against him involuntarily, desperate for whatever relief she could find and not missing the rut of him against her at her words. “But what about tonight?” 

“Tonight I’m going to make love to you,” Chakotay replied, and something in her chest and eased and tightened at the same time as love wrapped itself around her heart as fully as they were wrapped around each other. 

He kissed her again, as if he had ever stopped, as one of his hands stroked over her belly and up towards her chest, brushing teasingly over her breast before finding the zip to her uniform and pulling it down as far as it would go, just past her belly button, though all he could see was the grey of her undershirt, still covered up to the neck. 

“Suddenly I hate these fucking uniforms,” she panted as his fingers teased her through one less layer of clothing, and he chuckled, low and seductive. 

“Oh I don’t know, I think I like unwrapping you,” he murmured, kissing her undershirt through the gap made by the undone zipper, making Kathryn feel like she was going to lose her mind if he didn’t go a little faster as she felt only the ghost of his lips through the fabric. 

He helped her get her arms out of her uniform before slowly - torturously slowly - he peeled her shirt off of her as well, leaving her top half bare but for her bra. When she finally felt his lips against her bare skin she moaned, knees digging into his sides and her nails raking over his still-clothed back. 

“Chakotay,” she said, voice halfway between a plea and an order as his fingertips danced over the bare skin of her stomach, pale from so much time in space, unblemished thanks to the wonders of medical technology. He kissed her just above her belly button and she whined, bucking her hips to try and find friction but getting none as he kissed a line upwards, his lips dragging against her skin, his tongue licking the skin between her covered breasts, before finally settling at her neck and sucking in a bruise that she hoped lasted forever. 

With demanding hands she tugged at Chakotay’s shirt until he pulled back just enough to strip it off before diving back to her skin. He was broad where she was slim, tanned where she was pale, his skin hot to her goosebumps, and pressed against her Kathryn felt some piece of her life begin to slip into place. 

Snaking a hand behind her back, Chakotay unhooked her bra, siding it down her arms and off and bearing her to him. He pulled back to look, and Kathryn didn’t blush, didn’t feel any of the self-consciousness she had with past lovers, her cheeks heated with want and she felt empowered by the hungry look in his eyes, and reached up to drag him back down to her mouth.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, moving from her mouth to be able to watch as he took one of her breasts in his hand. Kathryn whimpered when his thumb brushed over her hard nipple, soaking her panties further as lust wracked her. 

He watched her reactions as he massaged the swell of her tits and pinched at her nipples, cataloguing her responses as she writhed and demanded more with her body. He obliged her, dropping his lips down to her and taking one of her nippled into his mouth, flicking his tongue against her as his hand played with her other breast. She had never been desperate like this before, tempted to slip her own fingers into her panties to find some relief, but knowing it would be so much better if she waited. When his teeth grazed against her sensitive nipple she gasped, nails digging into his back as pleasure wracked through her. 

She felt taken apart already, out of her mind with want, but she still noticed the hand that was travelling down from her chest, past her stomach and lower still, pausing to tease at her her uniform was laying, bunched up around her hips. She pushed her hips up in invitation, and he took it without hesitation, sneaking his hand below her remaining clothes. 

He found the top of her panties easily and slipped his fingers underneath the fabric, his fingers stroking over the neat thatch of hair she had and dipping lower still. He kissed her as a fingertip found her hood, and she bit down hard on his lip, whimpering as he only teased her, stroking so lightly there and barely brushing over her folds. 

“You’re so wet,” he murmured, voice a low rumble of barely controlled want. But Kathryn didn’t want him to control it. 

Settling her mind despite the distracting, teasing, path of his fingers, Kathryn moved one of her hands from its death grip on Chakotay’s back, getting it between them and covering the hard line of his cock through his pants. His fingers stilled as she squeezed him, feeling her own pussy grow wetter as she took in his size. She stroked him once, twice, through his clothes before unfastening his pants and pushing them aside, pulling down his underwear just far enough for the tip of his cock to peek out, and she ran the pad of a finger lightly over his tip, beading with precome. 

“ _Kathryn_ ,” Chakotay growled, hips stuttering into her touch, chasing more and being denied. 

“Fair is fair,” she replied, voice husky with arousal, and Chakotay moaned when she wrapped her hand around him and slowly pumped his cock, her fingers not quite able to meet in a full circle, despite the firmness of her hold.

She watched him like he had been watching her, hungry for his every reaction, memorising them all, learning quickly that he liked it when she gripped tighter at the head of his cock, and ran her palm over the tip, that he liked when her fingers rubbed against his balls. He started kissing her again, taking out his desire for more on her neck as she continued the slow pace he had set, only releasing his cock from her hold when Chakotay began to strip them both from the rest of their clothes until they were both completely bare. 

Chakotay was pliant when she pushed at him, getting him on his back and straddling his thighs, she was practically dripping with want, and when he pushed one of his thighs up against her pussy she couldn’t help but rut for a few moments. But there was something else that she wanted, and somehow she got control over herself, looking at his hard cock leaking precome against his belly. 

She moved down, feeling as much as hearing his sharp intake of breath when he realised what she intended as she settled herself between his legs and flicked out her tongue to lap at his beading tip, dark with arousal. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” he cursed, Kathryn unable to feel smug at his reaction as the musky taste of him flooding her tongue made her wish she had something to grind down on. 

She licked her way down his shaft, holding his hips down with her hands as she went and revelling in the way he cried out when she took one of his balls into her mouth, sucking on the sac and massaging it with her tongue before letting it slip free and giving the other one the same treatment. 

“Kathryn, please,” Chakotay groaned, voice shattered as she lay open mouthed kisses all along his cock, before finally wrapping her lips around the head and sucking at him hard. He groaned, one of his hands sliding into her hair and pulling hard enough to send sparks flying through her body. 

She worked her tongue against his slit before sinking down and taking him deeper, until she could feel him teasing the back of her throat, but knowing she would need practice before going further - and there would be plenty of time to practice tomorrow. She wrapped her hand around what she couldn’t take and worked her hand and mouth in tandem, taking him slowly and enjoying the sensation of him filling her mouth, loving the way her lips stretched and jaw began to ache, the taste of him; she could get lost in it. 

“Come here,” Chakotay panted, after long minutes, when she pulled off to breath. He used the hand in Kathryn’s hair to bring her back up his body, rolling them over easily and pinning her back beneath him. 

“I wasn’t done,” she teased as he dipped down to kiss her neck again. 

“But I was about to be, and you’re so wet for me, I want to come deep inside you,” he said, and she shivered at his words. 

She moaned freely when his fingers found her pussy again, rubbing over her hood more firmly this time, pushing it back to tease his thumb over her clit and make her arch against him. Two of his fingers toyed with her folds, collecting up some of the slickness there before pressing inside her core as she cried out, he pushed his fingers deep and pumped them in and out of her, changing his angle until she nearly screamed, throwing her arm over her eyes as she shouted in pleasure. 

“Come back,” she panted as he withdrew his fingers and began to move, but a thrill ran through her when she realised what he was doing. 

“Fair is fair,” he mimicked her words from earlier, hooking her legs over his shoulders as he dipped his mouth down. 

The first touch of his tongue felt like a bolt of electricity, and she could feel the slick dripping down her pussy as his tongue played with her hood. He held her thighs open with his big hands as he sucked on her clit, making her feel ready to black out as waves of heat pulsed through her entire being, starting at her core. 

He pressed closer still, licking through her folds and tasting her slick until he found her hole, tongue teasing at her opening as one of his hands relinquished her thigh so that he could press a thumb against her clit. He teased her there with light touches, his tongue just barely dipping inside as his thumb moved slow and light.

“ _Chakotay_ ,” she said, voice hoarse and relieved when hardly a second later he pressed inside with his tongue. It wasn’t as broad or as deep as his fingers had been, but it was so much more intimate she felt like she was on fire, burning hotter than the sun with every fiber of her body. 

She ground down against him, pushing her pussy into him and moaning when he matched her urgency and passion. His thumb pressed more insistently against her clit, pushing back the hood and making her feel like a live wire with every movement. His tongue fucked into her with abandon, he moaned against her core as he licked into her and tasted her, greedy for more. 

She felt close, it had been too long since she’d found release, even with herself, and she had wanted Chakotay for so long, feeling her crest beginning to build and somehow managing to moan out some kind of warning as she rutted down against Chakotay’s face. She whimpered when he pulled back, so close to the edge but feeling it slip away cruelly as he just kept up a light pressure on her clit. 

“Came you come twice?” He asked, kissing the inside of her thigh, face shiny with her slick. She felt too far gone to speak and nodded her head instead, knowing it wouldn’t take long when his mouth returned to her, pressing as deep inside as he could. 

His thumb was massaging small, firm little circles into her clit, making her shake erratically as he fucked her on his tongue, the hand that dropped her other thigh to find her breast and squeeze the final straw as she came on his tongue with a cry of his name, collapsing back onto the bed in a sprawled tangle of exhausted limbs. 

He kissed his way back up her body, as if he was worshipping every inch of her, wiping his face before he took her slack lips in a possessive kiss. She could taste herself on his tongue, could feel his hard cock pressing against her pussy as he came to rest between her legs again, and it was enough - more than enough - to have another, almost painful wave of arousal burn through her. 

He was rubbing her clit still, wringing out every aftershock she was feeling until the pleasure blurred together, unsure if she was still feeling aftershocks, or if her body was beginning to build up to come again. 

“Chakotay, please,” she sighed, wrapping her legs back around him and pulling him tight to her as best she could with her jelly-like limbs. 

He kissed her again, deep and full of years of love, before taking his cock in his hand and pressing the head against her folds, covering it in her slick before teasing at her hole. He didn’t push in and Kathryn groaned with frustration, wrapping her arms as well as her legs around him and holding him tight, trying to force him closer, make him slip inside. 

In her frustration from the tease, she bit at his lip when he kissed her, and with a groan he finally - finally - pressed inside her. Chakotay was thick, and Kathryn cried out in pleasure as she stretched around him, her wet pussy, soaked and pliant from the first shattering orgasm, took him in easily, as if she was made just for him. He paused when he was fully sheathed, the pair of them kissing and connected at every point it was possible to be, and he panted for a few moments, trying to control himself.

“I thought about this, more than I should have, I - ” he gasped, shifting just slightly to grind deep inside her.

“Me too,” she replied, clinging to his back. “It’s been a long time since I touched myself and thought of anyone other than you,” she admitted, feeling his grip on her tighten further - they would both have finger-shaped bruises come morning - and him press impossibly deeper inside her. 

He started to move then, rolling his hips in slow, deep motions as they rocked together. They kissed and kissed, barely managing to breathe around each other, but entirely unwilling to part for a second longer than absolutely necessary. He was thrusting deep inside her, his cock grazing her g-spot on every push of his hips. Her nails were digging into his back again, he probably already looked like he’d been attacked, but he groaned in unmistakable pleasure when she dragged her nails over his skin. 

Gradually, as his desperation began to take control, Chakotay’s rhythm sped up, fucking her hard and deep on every stroke, the room beginning to fill with the obscene sound of skin on skin, of their increasingly sloppy kisses, of their laboured breathing. The bed was scraping against the floor as he drove into her, probably carving grooves in the new flooring, but she didn’t care, only braced one hand against the headboard so that she could push herself down to meet him on every thrust, getting him deeper and harder than before. 

He was driving into her so hard that she was going to be able to feel him tomorrow and the thought made her wild, had her pushing herself onto his cock with more passion, making Chakotay, her gentle Chakotay, growl into her ear. She was so caught up that she hadn’t noticed his hand move until he was rubbing her clit again, sending her arching into him, nails scratching down his back as she cried out. Their kisses were uncoordinated, messy, more shared breath than a kiss, and Chakotay pulled back just far enough to catch her eyes, the rhythm of his hips never faltering. 

“I love you,” he breathed, every word clear despite their frantic pace and the way they were both panting. 

“I love you too,” she gasped, feeling Chakotay’s grip tighten one last time as he shouted, hips stuttering as he started to come. With the feeling of him spilling inside of her Kathryn felt herself thrown almost violently into her next orgasm, pleasure and love crashing around her as Chakotay worked them both through it, rolling his hips and rubbing her clit until they were both shuddering and sated collapsed together in a sweat tangle of limbs. Kathryn had no idea where she ended, and Chakotay began. 

They lay together for long moments as they came down from their shared pleasure, fingers skimming over each other’s sweaty skin, tracing nonsensical patterns there that somehow all said the same thing. The same thing that had been saying with everything other than words for years. 

Eventually, Chakotay disentangled them, leaving the bed only to come back with a warm washcloth like the gentleman he was. The sheets were ruined, but instead of changing them, Chakotay simply found the energy to lift Kathryn into a bridal carry, and take her to the next room. 

They lay together under the covers, looking at each other and simply sharing space. His arm was draped over her waist, their legs were laced together, and her hand rested over his heart, the idea of not touching anathema in that moment.

“I really do love you, Kathryn Janeway,” he whispered, a hand carding through her hair. 

“I know. I love you too, so much and for so long that it scared me,” she whispered back, feeling safe in his smile. “You built me a house,” she said after a pause, her mouth stretching into a smile as she felt deliriously loved. 

“I built you a home,” he replied, wiping away the tear that slipped down her cheek. 

“Oh Chakotay," she murmured, cupping his cheek. "You’ve been my home for a very long time already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas here we are, I really hope you all enjoyed it, everyone's comments and kind words and kudoses have genuinely brought me so much joy and filled the last ten days with an inordinate amount of happiness (and obsessive email checking) so thank you all so much <3
> 
> I feel my J/C writing adventures are only just beginning, badly formed ideas I'm currently batting around in my head include: a classic old amnesia trope fic, a wild west au (because we deserved janeway in a stetson instead of janeway the governess in my humble holodeck opinion), a holodeck programme gone wrong fic, or just a string of smutty oneshots. 
> 
> So I invite you to let me know if you have a preference or an idea, I have been known to take a prompt every now and then<3 
> 
> I've enjoyed chatting with you all in the comments a lot and while i abandoned tumblr for my own sanity a while back, you can catch me on discord (littlelynn#8877) if you ever want to screech about J/C or voyager in general. 
> 
> Once again, that's more than enough rambling from me, thank you again! I hope you enjoyed the ending!


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